Wednesday, November 28, 2012

WTF Wednesday

Every now and then, I run across a news item that makes me scratch my head and ask
"What the f*ck?"  Of course, I then feel compelled to share them with you.  Here's what
got me wondering this week:

In Miami, a man was charged with performing illegal dental work again after he administered 
a shot to a woman for a toothache and then kissed her bare buttocks.  When she had
complained of pain, he told her she would need to drop her draws so he could give her a shot.  After he gave her the shot, he touched her private area and then kissed her buttocks.  

He had been arrested once before in September for practicing dentistry with out a license in 
a Miami warehouse.  

He obviously needs to go back to dental school to learn which oriface houses teeth!


Then there was the sleepy robber:

In Ann Arbor, Michigan, a group of college roommates returned to their apartment after Thanksgiving dinner to find the place had been ransacked.   The burglar had raided the
 refrigerator and the liquor closet and apparently piled a laptop, other electronic equipment,
and some chicken near the door.

The students called the police, and in the course of their investigation, the officers found the
perpetrator asleep in an upstairs closet!

I guess we all need a nap after chowing down and having a few drinks on Thanksgiving.


I couldn't even paraphrase this one, and I wanted you to know that I did not make it up!

Cushing man gets jail for striking estranged wife with genitalia
Posted By Stephen Betts On November 23, 2012 (9:04 am) In Court NewsMidcoastNews

ROCKLAND, Maine — A 62-year-old Cushing man will spend five days in jail after pleading guilty Wednesday to
 assaulting his estranged wife.

Fred E. Thomas pleaded guilty to 180 days in jail with all but five days suspended and was placed on probation for a year for domestic violence assault and indecent conduct. A third charge of unlawful sexual contact was dismissed.

The incident occurred in July in Warren when his wife of 39 years, who was estranged from him, stayed at his place. He offered her $20 for sex, and when she refused he took out his penis and struck her with it, according to the prosecution’s version of events to which he pleaded guilty.

Defense Attorney Justin Andrus said Thomas was tremendously upset that his
marriage of 39 years was ending. He said his estranged wife was planning to go to Pakistan to meet a man she met online.

“This was not his normal conduct,” Andrus told Justice Jeffrey Hjelm during the
 sentencing hearing in Knox County Superior Court.  Assistant District Attorney Christopher Fernald asked for Thomas to serve seven days in jail while  Andrus
asked for just probation and no jail time.  Hjelm said a jail term was appropriate in this case.

“This was sexually aggressive conduct. This couldn't be much more offensive,” Hjelm said.

The wife did not seek jail time for Thomas but did ask that he undergo counseling for anger management, which was ordered.
Article taken from Bangor Daily News -

  There was no mention as to whether the defendant was asked to surrender his
weapon.  I suppose he elected to plead guilty so he would not have to allow the jury to
 examine the weapon!  Sorry, there were no photos accompanying  the story.

If you don't believe what you just read, check out the newspaper story here.



Monday, November 26, 2012

A Thanksgiving Ditty

‘Twas the night before Turkey Day, and in every cranny and nook
Could be found something delicious prepared by the cook!
Every counter and surface held precious goodies placed there:
Chocolate chip cookies and fudge, pies of apple and pear!

A huge turkey was baking in the oven on low,
Stuffing and squash in the fridge, all set to go.
Potatoes were peeled in a pot left to soak,
A feast in the making; this was no joke!

Mamma in her nightie had crawled into bed,
With visions of disaster spinning round in her head.
Would the stuffing be dry? Be the bird under done?
Worries besieged her until way after One.

Sleep finally kicked in around quarter to Two,
And she and Pa snored, which was nothing new!
Mamma awakened at half past three—
Never could sleep all night without having to pee!

She climbed back in bed and went right back to sleep.
The morning sun soon started to creep
Through the crack in the curtains to shine in her eyes,
Giving her clue it was time to arise.

The family was coming, time to prepare:
Place a cloth on the table, and dust off each chair.
No time for breakfast, too much to do—
Pa had to go out for a doughnut or two!

The table was set with plates, forks and knives;
Wine opened to breathe ‘til the family arrives.
The patter of feet, a knock on the door,
And in come the grand-kids that Mama lives for!

The kitchen rings with laughs, hugs and kisses;
Ma and Pa load the table with sumptuous dishes.
Everything’s perfect; there was no need to worry,
Turkey is succulent, as is stuffing and cranberry!

Mashed potatoes and gravy, and yummy yeast rolls,
The table’s soon covered with near empty bowls.
The pies are a hit and so is the fudge,
We've eaten so much we can’t even budge!

We’re grateful for family, for grand-kids to love,
We've so many blessings from heaven above.
Another Thanksgiving with those we hold dear—
We pray we’ll all be here again for next year!

an original poem by Eva Gallant

Monday Memory

Those of you who have been regulars to Wrestling With Retirement will remember the post below: It is the first chapter of a novella I wrote named:

                     "HOSPITALIZED AND HEART-STRUCK"
Chapter 1

Adelaide Cunningham hated to admit it, but her daughter Felicia was a real bitch.  Ever since Felicia’s marriage had fallen apart and she’d had to move back home with Adelaide, the tension had been unbearable. 

A retired teacher, Adelaide had become accustomed to a laid back lifestyle.  She would sleep until 8:00 a.m. most mornings, since she no longer had playground duty at 7:15 each day.  Now she started her days with a leisurely shower, and she would slip on sweat pants and a tee—much more casual and comfortable attire than the dresses and high heels she had worn to work for years. She read the morning paper while eating her Raisin Bran, her secret to regularity.  Every day gave her the freedom to do as she pleased; she might browse the mall stores, or shop some flea markets, and maybe meet some friends for lunch. 

All that had come to a screeching halt 3 months ago when Felicia had landed on her doorstep, suitcases and baby-carrier in tow.  Addie had no problem initially with her daughter and granddaughter moving in temporarily.  Baby Betsy was a sweetheart and it was wonderful spending time with her, but as the weeks had gone by, it was becoming apparent to Addie why Jordan, Felicia’s husband, had moved out.  Not only was the girl a slob, she was demanding, rude, annoying, and ungrateful.

“Gee, Mom, don’t you ever have any good stuff in you fridge?” Felicia  complained.  “Would it hurt you to buy some bacon once in a while, and some white bread instead of always this freaking dark crap?  And Cheetos, why not Cheetos?"

She stopped long enough to gulp down the last of her mother’s orange juice, oblivious to the drips falling on the tank top she had donned this morning for the third day in a row.  Orange spots appeared on the front of her shirt, next to the evidence of the pizza which had been last night’s dinner..

Adelaide took a long look at the girl standing in front of the refrigerator:  the shoulder-length hair that had been bleached to the texture of straw, the food-spotted pink tank top that strained at the seams to contain her breasts, the muffin top exposed between the short tank and the low-waist, distressed- beyond-belief jeans, and the permanent scowl on what had once been an adorable face.  

Knowing Felicia was in pain at the demise of her marriage, Adelaide had been biting her tongue and with-holding the anger that had been bubbling inside her.  (Doc Winston had always told her that hold her anger in was bad for her health.)  But, dammit, she had not expected to spend her retirement picking up after a free-loading daughter and baby-sitting Betsy so that Felicia could go bar-hopping with her friends.  The time had come to put her foot down!

“Felicia, this has gone on long enough.  This apartment is not big enough for the three of us, and I’m too darned old to be doing this.  You need to get yourself together, find a job, and a place of your own.”

“Oh, great!  Now you’re gonna’ get on my case!  I didn't take enough crap from Jordan, I have to take crap from my LOVING mother, too?”  The sarcasm in her tone when she spit out the word “loving” hurt Adelaide deeply.  For Felicia to imply that her mother didn't love her, after all Addie had done in the last 3 months, not to mention the 30 years prior, was too much to bear!

The mother/daughter argument escalated;  Felicia’s barbs became more hurtful, and their voices rose as the anger ran rampant.  Suddenly, Adelaide felt a burning sensation running from her left shoulder to her ear and beads of sweat popped out on her forehead.  ‘This isn’t good; this isn’t good at all,” were her last thoughts before everything went black, and she felt herself falling to the floor.

This book is available on Kindle....Click here for more information.  (Sorry, this book is not available on Nook)

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Silent Sunday

       Breakfast at Stone's Cafe, North Yarmouth, Maine.

                             The Specials!

   Western Omelet with home fries and white toast.

Cinnamon roll with raisins and walnuts; it barely fit on the plate!

                                 That's Maine....Ayuh!


Saturday, November 24, 2012

Saturday Silliness

Now you know what to do with him while you're doing your Christmas shopping!


Definitions for Parents 
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the mashed 
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.  
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.  
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes. 
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your 
last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.  
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.  
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a washrag." 

Everything's Bigger in Texas

A blind man travels to Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed.  

"Wow, this bed is big!" 
"Everything is big in Texas," says the bellhop. 
Later, the blind man goes downstairs to the bar and orders a drink; a mug is 
placed between his hands.  "Wow, these drinks are big!" 
The bartender replies, "Everything is big in Texas." 
After a few drinks, the blind man asks where the bathroom is located.  The 
bartender says, "The second door to the right."  The blind man heads for the 
bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming 
pool, and he falls in. 

 Scared to death, he shouts, "Don't flush!  Don't flush!" 


Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe ... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.

It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. 
Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail!
 The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he
 sees a light. He heads toward the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He 
 approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, 
"Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, 
and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; 
come in, and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs.

"I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you," he says. "I am not a medical doctor; I 
am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic
 medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. 
Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own 
injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.  After a brief examination, Igor's
 master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor," he says. "Prepare a trans-fusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his
 conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found 
solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices 
the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned,
 he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as
 Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.  

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"



Sunday, November 18, 2012

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Saturday Silliness

Last year she replaced all the windows in her house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, she got a call from the contractor who installed them. He
complained that the work had been completed a year ago and she still hadn't paid for them.

She said, "Helloooo.......just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid! I'll tell you what your fast-talking sales guy told me last year.......that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for!"
                                                                                                                                       There was only silence on the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He 
could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned 
craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, 
"are there any gators around here?!" 
"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!" 
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. As he got closer to 
shore he shouted to the guy again "What did you do to get rid of the gators?" 
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em all." 

Car Keys

 Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel,  I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.
 A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
 Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
 My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the  ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
 I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed  that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

 Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.

 "I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen.
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
 "Are you kidding me," he barked, "I dropped you off!! "
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and  get me."
 He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
 Yep,  it's the golden years................



Friday, November 16, 2012

First Aid Friday

From time to time I have been known to post vital information for public health and safety.  This is one of those days!

I want to stress that every home has the need for a well-stocked First Aid Kit.

I have one in my home:

I also make certain I have emergency supplies on hand:

When crisis happens, I will be ready!


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

WTF Wednesday

Every now and then there are items in the news that cause me to scratch my head and ask , "What the f*ck?"  Then one day a week I put them together in a post to share with you.  Here's what's got me scratchin' this week:

I just read that 47 states have submitted petitions to Washington requesting that they be allowed to secede from the Union.  (I'm proud that so far none has appeared from Maine!)  Talk about sour grapes!  At least the signers of these petitions represent only a very small percentage of the populations of these states.  Didn't we go through this once before, folks?  I think it was called the Civil War!


A teenage girl in California stepped into a rattlesnake pit while trying to catch a signal on her cell phone so she could text her mother.  She suffered 5 bites and was rushed to the hospital where 20 vials of anti-venom were administered.  She's doing find now and says she plans to watch where she's walking from now on!  Good idea!


Is it just a coincidence that the book General Patreaus' biographer/paramour wrote is called "ALL IN:  The Education of General David Patraeus"?  Methinks he may have learned a lot!


And in one county in Alabama, they'd rather vote for a dead Republican than a live Democrat:

Visit for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

I'd say that's taking party loyalty to the extreme!


Monday, November 12, 2012

It's Not Possible!

1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.


Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

10 Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person &
everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to your friends to see who else falls for it.

You have read this post because I didn't want to be alone in the “Idiot” category.


Sunday, November 11, 2012

Silent Sunday

Grandsons Austin and Carter, costumed as professional soccer player on Halloween.


Saturday, November 10, 2012

Saturday Silliness

Here's one from the archives about a group of FBI agents holed up in a psychiatric
hospital who attempt to order pizza delivery from an incredulous delivery man.

Confirmed as a true story at:

FBI agents conducted a "search and seizure" at the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital
in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours
of poring over many rooms of financial records, some sixty FBI agents worked up quite
an appetite.

The case agent in charge of the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery
service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.  The following telephone conversation
took place:

Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.

Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.

Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have
them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver
the pizzas.

Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And you're over at Southwood?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?

Agent: I have my check book right here.

Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the
pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza man: I don't think so. "Click"



Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.  She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated. of all
things,a condom!

When she returned w
ith tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago, and I found this little package on the ground.  The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease.  Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!’


Friday, November 9, 2012

Fighting the F-word Friday

I posted on this topic about a year ago, but as the season approaches once again I thought it was worth a repeat.This is a delicate topic, but one with which I felt compelled to deal.  There are a number of reasons for this and I'll try to explain them, hopefully without offense to anyone.  All of us suffer from the problem at one time or another.  Research shows that this time of year is the busiest in terms of the F-word.  I know you're probably thinking it's still early, but someone pointed out to me the other day that there were less than 50 shopping days left until Christmas, and Thanksgiving is even closer than that!   I say fore-warned is forearmed!

I'm talking about flatulence--where was your mind??  Holiday eating, especially partaking of turkey, brussel sprouts, broccoli, beer, nuts, bran, and rich sauces and gravies can cause the digestive process to produce gases which the body must expel one way or another.  This can be embarrassing in social situations.  One way to deal with it is to blame it on the dog!  The pooch can't rat on you, and in most cases, well-mannered folks won't dispute your claim.  Of course, if you don't have a dog, it can be a little tricky; you may want to look into borrowing or renting a pet for those holiday get-togethers.  Or, let your invited guests know that "Rover" is welcome, too.  (To confirm your sincerity, you may want to gift-wrap a ttreat for Rover and place it under the tree with other gifts.)

The F-problem can cause great inconvenince as well.  On December 6, 2006, an American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing when flight attendants smelled smoke.  A resulting search and interrogation of passengers resulted in a female admitting to having lit a couple of matches to cover the odor of her passed gas.  (Talk about dropping the F-bomb!)

There are products available on the market that eliminate fart odor. The website  offers such a product. (I apologize for having used the four-letter F-word!)  I felt I should share that information, so no one else 'lights up" while in the skies!

The sad news I have for all you young 'uns out there is that as we age, flatulence becomes more of a problem.  Foods that may have had little or no effect on you in your youth may not be tolerated by your digestive system as easily, and your intestines have a way of making their discomfort known.

Why am I expounding on this delicate subject, you may ask?  It's important that everyone be made aware of increased flatulence as we age, because as a society we are aging.  With increased longevity comes the likelihood that the numbers of seniors among us will continue to increase.  Were you aware, that the Supreme Court has ruled  that flatulence contributes to global warming and that the EPA has proposed a tax be levied on farmers at a rate of $175 per dairy cow?  Sure, it's just a proposal now, but if bovine butts are in danger of taxation, can human butts be far behind?


Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Only In Canada!

Worried about squirrels getting into your bird feeder? 

What the  hell is that line made of??

Only  in Canada would you see a sign like  this! 
Read the Fort Steele B.C. sign to the end


Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Election Day in the USA

  There are countries in the world where you're not allowed to vote.  

Please get out and vote.

Make you voice heard.


Sunday, November 4, 2012

Silent Sunday

My sister Jenny of "A Little This 'N That and her oldest daughter.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Saturday Silliness

The Search for Perfection

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect 
mate to some one of her friends. 
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"


Within the heart of every stray dog lies the singular desire to be loved. 
A dog is truly a man's best friend. 
  If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk , who is really happy to see you?
The funeral was held way back in the country and the young minister got lost on 
the way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse 
was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch. The diligent pastor went to 
the open grave to find the vault lid in place.... but still he poured out his 
heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service.
  Returning to his car, the young minister felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers say, "You know George, I've been putting in septic tanks for 25 years, and I ain't never seen anything like that before; sort of gives new meaning to the term "Holy Crap."

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died
before her.  They saw her and began calling greetings to her.

"Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place!  How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.


The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates
of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. I married
the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge
mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry…There will be Hell to pay later!