Saturday, January 12, 2013

Saturday Silliness

 Over 70 Pick up Line

A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, shoes shined, no walker, etc..
He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.
Seated at the bar is an elderly (70's?) fine-looking lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,

"So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"


I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't 
help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of 
mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began 
flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. 
 "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly 
she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights. 
 A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, 
"Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines!"

Hello Toes...

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.

He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes," he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"

"Hello knees," he continued. "How are you? You know you're 92 today... Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92."



A man was sick and tired
of going to work every day
while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went
through so he prayed:

'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put
In 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home.
I want her to know what
I go through.
So, please allow her body to
Switch with mine for a day.'
God, in his infinite wisdom,
Granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough,
the man awoke as a woman...
He arose, cooked breakfast
for his mate,
awakened the kids,

set out their school clothes,
fed them breakfast,
packed their lunches,
drove them to school,
came home and picked
up the dry cleaning,
took it to the cleaners!
and stopped at the bank
to make a deposit.

Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put
away the groceries.

Paid the bills and balanced
the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box
and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 1 P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust, And sweep and mop
The kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up
The kids and got into an argument
With them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and
Got the kids organized to do
Their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board

And watched TV while he
Did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling
Potatoes and washing
Vegetables for salad,
Breaded the pork chops
And snapped
Fresh beans for supper.

After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids, And put
Them to bed.

At 9 P.M. He was exhausted
And, though his daily chores
Weren't finished, he went to
Bed where he was expected to
Make love, which he managed
To get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke
and immediately knelt by the
bed and said:

Lord, I don't know what
I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my
Wife's' being able to stay
Home all day. 
Let us trade back.. Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have
Learned your lesson and
I will be happy to change
Things backto the way
They were.
You'll just have to wait
Nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.' 




River said...

I got to the last line on the last joke just as I was sipping my coffee and nearly choked! That was hilarious. The joke, not the choke.

Kathy said...

LOL thank you for the giggles!


Brian Miller said...

ha dang on the going through the pregnancy in that last one....oy

rosaria williams said...

Oh yes! And I didn't have to leave the house!

Jeannine Breton said...

Good ones, them all, the last one, it is so true!!!!

Pat said...

Great jokes this week!I love the one of the old man talking to various parts of his body, and that last joke was priceless! Be careful for what you wish for!

fishducky said...

Never saw the punchline coming on the last one--loved it!!

Laurie Kolp said...

hahaha... you always make me smile.

Alessandra said...

I look forward to your Saturday jokes, they're always so

Kristen said...

Great jokes! I loved the last one! Didn't see that coming at all and laughed out loud when I read it.

Sue said...

I think this was your best Saturday Silliness ever. Every one was cute, and that last one was hilarious!


Stephen Hayes said...

You got pregnant last night! Ha. I nearly spit out my gum.

Joanna Jenkins said...

You always make me smile Eva. Thanks for the laughs.
xo jj

Mary | Deep South Dish said...

Thanks for the funnies! You had me at the first one LOL!!