Two little old ladies, Edna and Ida were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Edna, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'
'You're on!' said Ida, holding up a $10.00 bill.
So Edna slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Edna came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement ...!!!'
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
Employee:Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss:Sure, come on in… What can I do for you?
Employee:Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years
.Employee:I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.
I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first
.Boss:A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time
.Employee:I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade..
Boss:Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
How does that sound?
Employee:Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir
Boss:Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?
Employee:Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
The Defective Parrot.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you
asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports,
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your
wife, and the postman.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door,
in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began
petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and
began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'