Saturday, May 25, 2013

Saturday Silliness

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld 
draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or 
out?" she yells. 
The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up 
the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?" 
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her 
sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", 
and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both 
of you as soon as I see who's at the door." 


       (Those who  aren't will love it, too.)                             
  At one point  during a game, the coach called one of  his 9-year-old baseball players aside and  asked,
   'Do you  understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' 
   The little boy  nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you  understand that what matters is whether we win  or lose together as a team?'
The little  boy nodded 'yes'.
'So,' the coach  continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is  called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the  umpire,
   or call him a  pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you  understand all that? '
The little  boy nodded 'yes' again.
He  continued, 'And when I take you out of the game  so another boy gets a chance to play  too,
   it's not good  sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or  shithead" is it?'
The little boy  shook his head 'NO'.  
   'GOOD', said  the coach . . . 'Now go over there and explain  all that to your  grandmother!'

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her
what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,'
answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!


The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?  Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!  Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?
We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?
Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree.  Ees...
Ees... a ham bush."



Brian Miller said...

haha grammas teaching a new language...smiles...better go check the door now...smiles...happy saturday eva

Pat said...

The first joke sounds like what it would be like if my sisters and I lived to be that long! We always say that we would live together! The sad thing is, I'm already the one that "is seeing who's at the door"!

rosaria williams said...

All this laughing...
Bless you and your sense of humor.

Gail said...

The first one is no joke...already there.

I have been that Grandma (in my head, silently)


fishducky said...

you caught me in the hambush!!

Jeannine Breton said...

Too funny..That blonde! The grandma, oh boy, pretty true !!

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om......bush!!!! LOL
&-> YAM xx

Eddie Bluelights said...

Haven't been here on Saturday for a while but these are great. Hope I never get into my 90's and end up like that!! LOL

Excuse me while I make a hambush sandwhich - I am clean out of bacon. LOL

Stephen Hayes said...

I can't wait to share that first joke with my mom. Thanks.

Alessandra said...

OMG, the two mexicans almost made pee my pants, I love your jokes! :)

Al Penwasser said...

Your first joke reminded me of the wedding I attended last weekend between an 85 year old and a 78 year old. During the reception, someone started clinking glasses to get the newlyweds (yes, it boggles the imagination) to kiss. Well, the 85 year old was confused by the whole thing and started yelling that "Some damn fool is going to break his glass trying to get the attention of the damn waiter!"

River said...

I got to "Eees....a ham bush" just as I had a mouthful of coffee. I had to turn away so quickly I almost fell off my chair. That's hilarious!!

Also, when I get to be in my nineties I surely hope my mind comes with me.