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Friday, August 2, 2013

Flaunting Fiction Friday: My Restroom Rant



Did you ever notice that the people who design ladies’ public restrooms must never have known a female larger than a size six? If you haven’t, then you are probably one of those bitches females who’s a size six or smaller. I, on the other hand am a woman of ginormous generous girth. Let’s just say, I don’t shop for clothes in the juniors’ department. I’ve eaten a pepperoni pizza or two in my day, and some of them have stayed with me. (I know I need to lose a ton a few pounds, and I’m working on it!)



The first problem in many ladies’ restroom designs is the doors. They open inward; that is, you must push the door in toward the john to enter the stall. Then, in order to close the door, you need to straddle said john. Chances are, an inward-opening door has been installed to save space; that means the stall itself is barely deep enough to accommodate the toilet and a person. If you are wearing a skirt, and the toilet is equipped with a sensor which causes it to flush as you move away from it, you’ll need to move out of the way quickly to avoid random spray on your skirt from an enthusiastic flush!

Of course, these tight quarters may be an advantage if the door doesn’t latch, and you have to prop it shut with your head, trying to keep intruders out while you do your business! If, like me, you are too short to be able to hold the door shut with the top of your head and still reach the john with your butt, you will probably need to sing loudly, or shuffle your feet as noisily as possible to let others know the stall is occupied and hope they get the hint. (Be careful with the foot shuffling that your feet stay within the confines of your own stall, lest one of your neighbors misconstrue your intent!).

Once in the stall, there’s the question of what to do with your purse? If you’re lucky, there will be a hook or a shelf for that purpose; otherwise, you have a choice of setting it on the probably germ-infested floor, or even worse, in puddles around the john that have a suspiciously yellowish tinge to them. With no shelf or hook and the floor being an unsatisfactory option, you can loop the strap over your head so it dangles around your neck. If the strap is too short to drape over your head, you may have to grasp it between clenched teeth. (I know I’m having a bad day when I find myself in the restroom stall, bent over trying to hold the door closed with my head, my purse hanging from my teeth, as I'm humming loudly and shuffling my feet, while trying to keep my jeans from coming into contact with that puddle on the floor!)

In addition to the stall not being deep enough, the width can be an issue. I’ve seen times when I’ve had to squeeze myself between the sanitary products disposal box on one side and the toilet tissue dispenser on the other. I was one deep inhale away from having to be extricated from the place by the jaws of life, or at the very least, a can opener.


A day can go from bad to worse if there’s no paper in your stall; I’m not talking about the New York Times, I mean toilet tissue. It might be a good idea to check out the paper situation before committing to a particular stall. If there isn’t any, and you’re already “committed,” you’ll find yourself frantically going through your pockets and your purse for a Kleenex, a paper towel, or maybe a Walmart receipt. If all else fails, you may have to ask the lady in the next stall if she has “a square to spare” and pray you didn’t have the misfortune to park your posterior in the next stall to Elaine Benis!


If there's no paper, and no neighbor in the next cubicle who's willing to share, there's always the last resort, as illustrated below:

Then there's the whole hand washing problem.  Some lavatories have faucets that are equipped with sensors that cause them to turn on when your hands are "sensed" in the vacinity of the tap.  This eliminates the need to put your hands on the germ infested tap.  If you do have to operate the tap, you can be comforted by the fact that you will be scrubbing any germs away while you wash your hands.

 Of course, washing hands means you must dry them.  If there are paper towels available, once your hands are dry you can also use a towel to open the exit door, thereby avoiding contact with more germs loitering on the door handle.  Then you have to wad up the towel and make the equivalent of a 3-point shot from the doorway to dispose of it in the trash bin, so you can exit without touching any more questionable surfaces.

I don’t know about you, but as I’ve aged, I found my capacity to hold my liquor has increased, while my bladder capacity has decreased. This means one should NEVER, EVER allow oneself to reach emergency status when it comes to hitting the restroom. It is impossible to check the stalls for one with toilet tissue and accomplish all the above feats when the dam is about to burst!

Sometimes I think it might just be easier to wear Depends!


pictures from google images
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The above post is a repeat from my book "The Best of Wrestling With Retirement."  If you enjoyed it, check out my author's page by clicking here.


EVA

56 comments:

Queen-Size funny bone said...

you are so funny and you speak the truth. I have been wedged in a bathroom or two.

SherilinR said...

so many funny bits here! i love a good bathroom post!

Lazarus said...

Eva, thanks for reminding me of one of the few places where men have the advantage over women. We need every edge that we can get when dealing with the fairer sex. Good luck with the competition, I'll be voting for you every week.

vickilikesfrogs said...

Bwahahaaaa!!! Oh, God, been there, done that! I thought I was the only one to ever hold the door shut with mah damn head, tho. Good to know I'm not alone!

Mary at Deep South Dish said...

I think I have encountered most all of these, including hanging my purse around my neck! :) At least public bathrooms aren't as bad as airplanes. Yet.

Retiredandcrazy said...

And I though I was the only one to suffer! Welcome to my world!!

Ⓙ @ $ € € ₦$ ₣®0₥... said...

Funny and true and funny and you!!!!!

Ⓙ @ $ € € ₦$ ₣®0₥... said...

Funny and true and funny and you!!!!!

River said...

Oh, I hear you on the size of public toilet stalls. I'm a small person and I have trouble inching past the toilet to get the door open or closed. And another thing, why are there always so few toilets? The shopping mall I work at has about a dozen shops, many cafes and the public toilet has two stalls. TWO!!

"If you have to operate the tap, you can be comforted by the fact that you will be scrubbing any germs away while you wash your hands."
Yes, but then you have to turn OFF the germ infested tap....

Red Nomad OZ said...

Haha, that's hilarious - but sadly because it's all TRUE!! Maybe public 'conveniences' were set up to PROVE women are great at multi-tasking!!

If you have the time, energy and/or inclination, there's some great Aussie scenic public loos on my blog - the view just adds another dimension to the other tasks!!

Have a great day!!

Brian Miller said...

whew...i am so glad they have those big comfy seats in the mens room...smiles...no really they are the same...dont want you to get arrested trying to see...

Amy said...

Very funny and so very true.

Claudia said...

i guess i will never ever visit a public toilet without thinking of you eva...you hit the nail...oh and i'm not one of the size 6 females - i wear an 8...

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

And for the opposing viewpoint, visit TOO MANY MORNINGS for his entry this week.

Ironic, isn't it?

Quirkyloon said...

Ha! Lots of bathroom observation in this week's blog-off! hee hee

I just hate it when the toilet paper (if there is any) roll won't roll completely and you're left with a collection of tiny tp particles to do the wiping.

I'm thinking we need bidets and warm air dryers in each stall!

Yeah!

The Fairy's Apprentice said...

You are so funny! It was a pleasure to read you. Via Sofia's Ideas.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

Clipped Wings said...

So funny and so true. You definitely have my vote.

Unknown Mami said...

I have recurring bathroom nightmares that resemble this post.

Fred Miller said...

Love the cootchie dryer.

tsonodablog said...

OMG, the "I know I've been having a bad day....." part and the "Save Paper" cartoon. I am rolling here.

And dude, I'm feelin' ya (according to my kids that means I fully understand my friend) on the fitting into those little stalls.

Oh, Eva, just so much fun. You really know how to make my day.
HUGS (and yes, I washed my hands)
Terri

Eva Gallant said...

Vicki: You are definitely not alone!

Retired: Fun, isn't it? I hope you voted!

Fairy'sApprentice: Thanks for visiting; hope you come often. I also hope you voted!

Terri: So glad I could make your day! Hope you voted!

EmptyNester said...

OMG you are a riot! We women of generous girth-UNITE!

EmptyNester said...

I just voted! Not that you need it but, good luck!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Very funny (and true), Eva, but if we survive until next week, let's be sure to call one another and coordinate our posts, okay? Two posts are better than one, or something like that.

;-)

gayle said...

This is so funny and so very true!

Michelle Saunderson said...

I remember when I was pregnant and had to pry myself out of a stall before. They definitely are not build for larger or pregnant women.

Sparkling said...

Holding it closed with my head???? I can't read with my head and aim, so I try to hold it with my finger tips while I'm usually trying to hold up a shirt or skirt so it doesn't get wet. I never carry a purse, so that's never an issue. And I've smashed my elbow a few too many times on something- the disposal box, the thing that's supposed to pull down to hold the box, etc.

Mariann Simms said...

I'm thin and even some stalls aren't big enough for ME to fit in! I always check the toilet paper status first and I always "hover". I think I've sat down once in my life in a public bathroom and I'm sure I had some alcohol in me.

I hate "the purse situation" as well...and I atually wrote up a purse blog a couple weeks ago but haven't typed it up yet.

I also touch no door handles and I think all bathroom doors should swing outwards so after you wash your hands you can just shove it open with your butt.

I guess what I'm trying to say (apparently with the most words humanly possible) is I agree with you on all counts and your blog was very funny. :)

qandlequeen said...

Preaching to the choir, sister!

The Lucy and Dick Show said...

Glad to see you're still at it! Happy New Year Eva and I don't care how light you are, trying to squeeze between the toilet and the door to get the darned thing closed is likely to cut a vein in your leg even if you're a size zero!

Tam said...

LOL!! Don't forget the seat covers that slide down into the bowl right before you sit down, but AFTER you've pulled your pants down...so you're standing there with your purse in your mouth and your britches around your ankles, with your butt hanging out, trying to hold the seat cover in place with your elbow, while the door swings open. I'm gettin' some Depends.

Helene said...

You have given this some serious thought and I have to agree with every point! Life would be so much easier if women could just pee standing up!!

cardiogirl said...

Well done Eva! I absolutely HATE those motion sensor sinks.

I *always* have to bang on the bottom of the faucet to get it started and to keep it running. I have adjusted my hand position, up, down, left, right to get that thing started and I cannot find the sweet spot.

I always have to touch it which defeats the purpose of avoiding the nasty germs. Grr.

Gaston Studio said...

You've hit all the major points in this post Eva, and I so agree with you on each and every one. Except maybe the Depends.

Stephanie said...

Haha! Even us size sixes have problems with those stupid inward doors. And it's worse if you're without a man at the mall. You have to take all those shopping bags in. Yikes.

Eva Gallant said...

Michelle: So true. I hope you voted.

Marianne: I'm glad you enjoyed it and I hope you come back often!

Tam: Depends may be the answer!

Cardiogirl: They are the worst!

Candice said...

Great post!

I try and stay as far away from public restrooms as I can because people in general are disgusting.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Well it's about time someone gave a valid excuse for shopping at Walmart. ;)

And I too hate when there's no hook for your bag or coat. In this nasty Canadian winter you have a coat the size of Texas and it's hard to do your business with a giant-ass coat making you look like the Michelin Man, so you need a hook.

Also I hate the bathrooms where the gap under the door is huge because invariably you get some idiotic toddler peering under it while you're peeing like a fiend and it makes you snarl unladylike things at its head.

injaynesworld said...

Women's public restrooms are the worst. It may be the only time I have penis envy. Hilarious, my friend!

Eva Gallant said...

Veg: I didn't even think of mentioning the hassle of winter coats!

Jayne: Glad you enjoyed it. Hope you voted!

R. J. said...

Ditto to all of the above and add the "pay to pee" found in other countries. I actually had to hit the ATM to use the toilet in France.

Vodka Logic said...

you described it perfectly

Boom Boom Larew said...

OH, Eva! You had me with the comment about trying to get the dang door open and closed! That's one of my biggest complaints about public rest rooms. You pegged every single annoyance known to womankind! Love it!

Out of My Mind said...

OK...I laughed out loud 5 times!

You just got me as a follower.

Would you please check out a few of my blogs?
I am fairy new and would appreciate your comments.

outofmymindbykt.blogspot.com
By the way, what is the purpose of those words at the end of most peoples blogs?

Tropical Mum said...

Eva, what about if you do happen to have toilet paper in the stall, and the roll is the type where it only allows you to take one square at a time? This is because it doesn't roll freely and you have to turn it yourself making 45 degree turns at a time to get maybe two squares before you give up.

This was a brilliant post. I think I will share.

Su Chin said...

Oh you are so funny!

Someone twitted ur link..and here I am. I have to agree 1000% with everything you've written. Opening and closing toilet doors have always been tricky for me.

The 'square to spare' episode was one of my favourites!!!

Pam said...

Visiting from BPOTW. I've had some very similar experiences. Too funny!

Anonymous said...

Enjoyed reading/following your page.Please keep it coming. Cheers!

Anonymous said...

What i find troublesome is to find a blog that can capture me for a minute but your blog is different. Bravo.

Kelley said...

Hahaha!! You make me laugh! Oh, man, I never thought of all of these things. Going to the bathroom can be super stressful, right?? I especially agree with the where-to-put-your-purse deal. That is super stressful. You always make me laugh, Eva. :)(Thanks for linking up with us over at #findingthefunny this week!)

signingcharity said...

I think you have now changed how I view public restrooms forever. I couldn't agree with you more but I have never thought of all the issues all at once--I try to just focus on one at a time :)

Kimberly said...

This is so fracking hilarious. OMG...so true. So so true.
And our bathrooms are the nastiest things ever!!!!

The Dose of Reality said...

I am so glad I am not the only one. Why are the stalls so small...and WHY do the doors face in??!! If you aren't lucky enough to snag the larger handicapped stall, you are straddling. It's so frustrating!! --Lisa

Michelle Nahom said...

I love your posts...I am always cracking up when I read them. Those stalls are too small for anyone but a child. And why is it there is never enough of them? And I always seem to end up in the one that has the lock that doesn't work. Don't get me going!

Eva Gallant said...

Lisa: Nice to know my complaints aren't mine alone!

Michelle: Thanks for the kind words! Glad you enjoy my posts!

Vicki M. Taylor said...

Totally hilarious!! I know those stalls you are talking about. Been there. Done that. Thanks for visiting my blog and posting on my short story. I really appreciate it.