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Saturday, October 12, 2013

Saturday Silliness



Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed.  He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown"

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property.

Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the schmuck has a milk route."

*************************



An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

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The Man Who Gave Up Sex For Golf

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,"  the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then,
 a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up
one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels
that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same  stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up
another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to
say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning
this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and
says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am.
I'm the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."
  
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."


***************************** 





Out of the mouths of babes!!!!
 
Grandpa, what is couple sex?
Make sure that you understand the question first....
All you Grandpas and Grandmas, this was too funny not to forward.
We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up.
 
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
 
The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready…in just a couple secs."


**********************************
EVA

9 comments:

Brian Miller said...

ha. fooled the devil back....smiles...golf is his sex life...ha.

happy saturday....how is mr eva doing?

River said...

ha Ha at the milk route, I was thinking the same as the nurse.
And the couple sex? I knew what that was with the first sentence, I used to say almost the same thing, dinner in a couple of secs.
I like how Father O'Malley fooled the devil.
It's 11:20pm here, I'm sitting up late waiting for the antihistamine to work so I can go to sleep and breathe at the same time, these laughs were just what I needed.

Gail said...

I needed this. Thanks.

The Dose of Reality said...

Bwahahahahahaha. My dad is an avid golfer. I'm sending him this link right now!!! --Lisa

Stephen Hayes said...

Laughting is such a great way to start my morning. Thanks.

Jayne Martin said...

Good one! Good to see you back and silly as ever, my friend. Sending good wishes to Mr. Eva, too.

fishducky said...

Funny, Eva!!

Eddie Bluelights said...

Just the tonic I wanted, Eva
So funny! Hugs ~ Eddie

Eva Gallant said...

Brian: I thought you might enjoy that one! And Mr. Eva is mending; we hope he will be home by next weekend.

River: Glad I could oblige!

Lisa: You give me the giggles often enough--it's only fair that I return the favor!

Stephen: Laughter is always a good start to the day!

Jayne: Thanks, and I'll pass on your good wishes to Mr. Eva.

fishducky: I'm sure a couple of those were familiar!

Eddie: I'm happy I could put a smile in your morning!