Saturday, October 19, 2013

Saturday Silliness

Cinderella's Wishes in Old Age

Cinderella is now 95 years old. 

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,
 she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. 

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the
 fairy godmother. 
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'? 

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have
 lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?' 

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some
 thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: 

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.. .I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and
 I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. '  Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. 

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother' 

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do.  What do you want for your second wish?' 

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth
 I once had.' 

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella  felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. 

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:  'You have one more wish; what shall it be?' 

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'  Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him  neither she nor the world had ever seen. 

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'  With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. 

For a few eerie moments,
 Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.   Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. 

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed
 in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.   He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry you cut my nuts off now.'


A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

Pumpkins are a Man's Best Friend

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior,... public indecency and public intoxication.
Lawrence explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop. "You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence, and he's just having his way with this pumpkin...'
Senior Constable Taylor went on to describe what happened ... "I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"
"Lawrence froze, and was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said, 'A pumpkin? Shit - is it midnight already?'"\

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Brian Miller said...

hahaha the first one....i blame that on bob barker....smiles.

Friko said...

I like the third one best.

That chap should have been given a medal for thinking on his feet!
(Presumably he was on his feet and not on his knees?)

The Dose of Reality said...

Bwahahahaha. Love the outhouse story!! Thanks for always starting my Saturday off with laughter! --Lisa

Gail said...

Thanks for the smile.

fishducky said...

Funny stuff again. Eve!! How's Mr. Eva?

Stephen Hayes said...

Very funny. You can bet I'll be repeating that first one.

River said...

wealthy beyond comprehension equals a solid gold rocking chair? Geez, all this time I've been hoping to win the lottery....
sex with a pumpkin....makes ma glad I'm eating carrots tonight. oh wait, that's....never mind.

Pat said...

So Cinderella turned into a pumpkin! Ha! That's a good one!

A Beer For The Shower said...

Those are all hilarious, but sex with a pumpkin? I just don't even understand how... never mind, best not to think about it.

Sue said...

hahaha. First one is poetic justice, eh?