Wednesday, May 29, 2013

WTF Wednesday

Another week has sped by and once again it's time for me to share those news items I encounter that make me scratch my head and ask, "What the f*ck?"

This week we have---

Pants With Benefits

Or, as they are also called, "Romance Pants!  These titillating trousers are electrified, so to speak; when the zipper is lowered, so are the lights in the room, and romantic music starts playing.  Unfasten the button at the waist, and candles ignite.  These slick slacks set a sexy scenario for lovers!

I was unable to load the video to my blog and have it functional, but here's the url, if you want to check it out:    Don't worry, it's not x-rated, but it does show how these Lothario Levis are meant to  perform!

I'd be concerned that peeing in them might be a petrifying, electrifying experience!  You must might want to keep a fire extinguisher handy!  I'm just sayin'.


Divin' in the Divan?

Gerard Streator was arrested for having curbside coitus with a couch.  A Wisconsin police officer, out for a jog, spotted Streator poking the pillows with his penis.  Apparently, police perceive public pillow poking as "lewd and lascivious behavior" which carries a maximum penalty of 9 months in jail.

Poor guy.... he probably mistook the couch for a love seat!  He should have taken his "date" home before getting amorous!


Shoulda' Studied

A 19-year-old college student in Atlanta faked his own kidnapping to avoid having to tell his parents he was flunking English.  Aftab Aslam bought a cell phone and texted his parents a story about being kidnapped.  He then went camping for a week, but when the weather turned cold and rainy, he went home.  He is being held without bail on charges of making a false report, false statements, tampering with evidence, and terrorist threats.

Wouldn't it have been easier to just 'fess up that he was failing?


Butt Dial Busted

If you've ever butt-dialed someone with your cell phone by accident, I hope you had better luck then these two!  With a pocketed cell phone, one of the two fellows above butt-dialed 911 and then proceeded to talk about his need for weed.  Nathan Tecklemariam and Carson Rinehart were unable to hear the dispatch operator, but she heard them, loud and clear!

As they made plans to break into a car, she contacted the police when she heard the crash of breaking glass.  Sargent Jaime Rios was able to apprehend the two 20-year-olds and charge them with breaking and entering and possession of stolen property.  The call was still open when they were arrested.  The officer disconnected the call himself.

 "This phone called 911? Damn!" was the reaction of one of the perps, who couldn't wrap his mind around what happened.

Now that's a new way of turning yourself in!


Enough head-scratching for today!


Sunday, May 26, 2013

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Saturday Silliness

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld 
draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or 
out?" she yells. 
The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up 
the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?" 
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her 
sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", 
and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both 
of you as soon as I see who's at the door." 


       (Those who  aren't will love it, too.)                             
  At one point  during a game, the coach called one of  his 9-year-old baseball players aside and  asked,
   'Do you  understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' 
   The little boy  nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you  understand that what matters is whether we win  or lose together as a team?'
The little  boy nodded 'yes'.
'So,' the coach  continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is  called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the  umpire,
   or call him a  pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you  understand all that? '
The little  boy nodded 'yes' again.
He  continued, 'And when I take you out of the game  so another boy gets a chance to play  too,
   it's not good  sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or  shithead" is it?'
The little boy  shook his head 'NO'.  
   'GOOD', said  the coach . . . 'Now go over there and explain  all that to your  grandmother!'

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her
what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,'
answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!


The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?  Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!  Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?
We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?
Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree.  Ees...
Ees... a ham bush."


Friday, May 24, 2013

How to Stay Young

A friend of mine sent me this list of 11 things to do to stay young; since she's the youngest 80-year-old I've ever known, I thought I should share them with you..

1. Try everything twice.  On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph: "Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!" 

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)

3. Keep learning:  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever...Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's! 

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6.. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive. 

7. Surround yourself with what you love: whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever…Your home is your refuge. 

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it.  If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips...Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is. 

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. 

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance..

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

WTF Wednesday

I couldn't bring myself to make fun of the news today, given the devastation in Oklahoma.  My heart goes out to those who've lost loved ones, their homes, and in many cases, everything they had.

I encourage everyone who can afford it, to donate to the Salvation and the Red Cross; they need cash to help the survivors get their lives back together.



Sunday, May 19, 2013

Silent Sunday

St. Patrick's Church, Lewiston, Maine

St. Andre's Church, Biddeford, Maine

             St. Mary's Church, Biddeford, Maine

                     Notre Dame de Lourdes Church, Saco, Maine

The Catholic Church has 30 properties for sale in Maine, most of which are churches.

(Photos courtesy of the Portland Press Herald)


Saturday, May 18, 2013

Saturday Silliness

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed 
him -- and got a woman. 
 "Is Mike there?" I asked. 
 "He's in the shower," she responded. 
 "Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up. 
 When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This 
is Mike," he said. 
 "You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed. 
 "I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the 
past half-hour." 



I woke up, 
I lifted my arms,
I moved my knees, 
I turned my neck.... 
Everything made 
the same noise'CrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaccccK!' 

I came to a conclusion:

Heck, I am not old, 
I am just crispy!!!


A woman found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took him to a vet.
The veterinarian found the problem was hair in the dogs ears.  He cleaned both ears and the dog
could hear fine.
The vet proceeded to tell her that if she wanted to keep his from recurring, she should go to
the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dogs ears once a month.  She went to
the store and bought some "Nair."  At the register, the pharmacist said, "If you are use this
under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.

She replied, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days.

"I'm not using it on my legs," the woman explained. "If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

"Well in that case," said the pharmacist, "stay off your bicycle for about a week."\



Wednesday, May 15, 2013

WTF Wednesday

It's that time again, when I peruse the news and stumble across articles that make me scratch my head and ask, "What the f*ck were they thinking???   And then I share those items with you.  You're welcome.

There's More Than One Way to Enjoy Beer.

You've heard of ear plugs?  How about "ear chugs?"  Below is a link to a Utube video of a woman who chugs beer with a straw through her ear!  Don't try this at home, folks.  Although doctors say there is a connection between the ear canal and the throat, there would have to be a hole in the ear drum for this to work, plus, the "imbiber" would be risking infection, pain, and possible hearing loss.  But if you are curious, click here to see the video.

Not The Mother's Day For Which She Had Hoped...

Robert Golba's mother spent the better part of Mother's Day pinned under her unconscious 51 year-old son.  Robert was allegedly intoxicated when he fell on his 81 year-old mother and breaking her hip during an argument and passed out.

The woman's hip was broken in three places, their legs had become intertwined in the fall, and she was  unable to extricate herself.  She was eventually discovered by other family members who contacted the authorities.  Golba, who was uncooperative with police, was charged with violation of a protection order his mother had filed against him.

Ah, there's nothing like family!


Senior Housing Hookers?

A 76 year-old man, James Perham, and his 66 year-old neighbor, Cheryl Chaney, have been arrested for running a prostitution ring in a senior citizens housing complex.  Police were called in when residents complained of drunks and drug addicts passing out in the corridors, and leaving used condoms in the rec room. 

An undercover operation by the police led to Perham and Chaney, the former admitting that he had been providing crack-addicted prostitutes to some of the "younger" residents.  Chaney and Perham have since been evicted from the New Jersey senior housing facility.

Hey, the government is trying to make cuts in social security and medicare, I guess they just decided to embark on an after retirement career...pimping!

(source for above items:  Huffington Post)

Enough head-scratching for today!

(In related news, I've been told it could be up to a month before the swelling goes down completely from my surgery, and it could be up to a year before the redness disappears!  Wear sunscreen, people!)


Sunday, May 12, 2013

Silent Sunday

My younger son Jason and his new bride Tammy--photos from their wedding in Jamaica!

I think those tell the whole story!

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Reflections on Mothers Day

My mother, Alberta Martin, was one of six children. She was born in Maine, but her family moved to Canada, where she lived until she was fifteen. By then her mother had passed away, and she, her father and her siblings moved back to Maine. It was not an easy life; a large family being raised by their father, and none of them spoke English, French being her family’s language. She went to work in the Wayandotte Worsted Mill in Waterville. There were no OSHA laws back then regulating the hiring of minors to work in factories.

Eventually, she met my Dad, Chester Plourde and they were married. But the hard life wasn’t over. No, she gave birth to seven children and raised us with love and a firm hand. This was in a time before automatic washers, dishwashers, and when vacuum cleaners were a luxury item found only in the homes of the wealthy.

Bertha (which became her nickname) and Chester purchased a farm. Gardens were planted and Mom canned everything from strawberries, raspberries, green beans, to beets. I remember she made green tomato pickles, too. She would work all summer to stock the basement with foods that would carry us through the winter. Crab apple jelly! I remember how delicious that was on little rounds of homemade pie crust.

We had cows, pigs, and a few chickens now and then. Dad couldn’t stand the sight of blood, so once a cow or pig was butchered, it was Mom who would wrap the cuts of beef and hamburger, or pork roasts, chops and bacon for freezing. There was probably an icehouse before there was a freezer, but that was before my time.

Then there was laundry; tons of it with seven children. By the time I arrived, the youngest, Mom did have a ringer washer, but all those clothes were hung on the clothesline; there wasn’t a clothes dryer. I remember going outside and handing her the clothespins as she hung the laundry on the line, when I was too little to do any hanging myself.

One of the things I remember most about my mother was that every day at 3:00 p.m., no matter what she was doing, or what kind of a day she’d been having, she always stopped, would “freshen up” by washing her hands and face, combing here hair (removing any bobby pins she might have used to make “pin curls”), and change her clothes. She would don a clean house dress and apron, and check her appearance in the mirror. She always wanted to look nice when my father got home from working in the paper mill. He would walk in the door at 4:15, and she was always there to greet him with a kiss. Maybe that’s why their marriage lasted so long!

One of the things I am most grateful for is the fact that I told her I loved her the night before she died. I had always loved her, but had not put it into words until that night. I don't know why I said it that particular night, but I'm so glad I did.  If you still have your mother, make sure to tell her you love her; you never know when you will lose her. And it would be tragic to lose her without letting her know how much she means to you.

You've been gone for 29 years, but you are always in our hearts.  Happy Mothers Day, Mom.

And Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers and grandmothers out there reading this!


Saturday Silliness

A Husband is Down in Aisle 5!!!!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, they carry

on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream

and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
That's him on Aisle 5.


Sensually Subtle ...

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," He said.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled
 out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," He said.
She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties
 and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," He said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."


Mystery Solved......

      Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken  ship.
      "Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
      "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

      "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
      And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.

      When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
      Why did we swim around and around them?"
        His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first."



Friday, May 10, 2013


'Nuff said!


Wednesday, May 8, 2013

WTF Wednesday

WTF Wednesday has me feeling like I've either been in a fight or hit by a truck!  I actually had a basal skin cell carcinoma removed from my face.  As a result, no post today.  Relaxing with an ice pack on my wound. And, yes, I feel as bad as I look.  I'll be back when I feel better.

Feel free to send chocolate or cash.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Sunday Mourning

I am in mourning; mourning the Celtics loss in game 6 of the playoffs and mourning the end of their season.  Oh, I'll probably watch some more playoff games; I'll root for the Indiana Pacers because one of my former students is their Head Strength and Conditioning Coach.  And then I'll have to hang around and see if any team can beat the Miami Heat.

In the meantime, here's a tribute to my Guys in Green (in alphabetical order):

Brandon Bass, the big man in the front line; not the tallest, but look at those arms and shoulders!  And he can drop a nice jump shot, score from the foul line, and muscle his way through the opposition.

Avery Bradley at 22 is already considered the fiercest defender in the NBA.  He came through with some big steals and buckets during game 6 of the playoffs and helped close the gap when the Celtics were down by 26 points!
Jordan Crawford came to the Celtics halfway through the season and made his presence known with some wild baskets!
Kevin Garnett, 37 years old is a 17-year veteran of the NBA.  The heart and soul of the Celtics, he is a mentor to the younger players, as well as a tenacious competitor.  His team mates love playing with him; opponents respect his skill but hate playing against him!  He grabbed 19 rebounds in game 6 of the playoffs.
Jeff Green missed all of last season due to open heart surgery; he amazed everyone with the huge comeback he made this year.  He scored 20 points or more in most games the second half of the season; his speed and athleticism make him a joy to watch.
Courtney Lee, although inconsistent, did show us flashes of brilliance at both ends of the court, as well as from behind the 3-point line.

Fab Melo a 7-foot export from Brazil has made a major impact in the D-League here in Portland, Maine, playing as a part of the Red Claws.  He didn't get much court time with the Celtics, but maybe next year!
Paul Pierce the captain and leader of the Celtics.  Known for making clutch shots when they are needed.  He wants to retire as a Celtic, and although he may be traded to another team, hopes he'll be offered a one-day contract from the Boston team when the day comes so he can retire in Green.

Shavlick Randolph, another Chinese League import who came to the Celtics late in the season, showed some promise for next year in his limited play time.

Rajan Rondo, arguably the best point guard in the league, had to sit out this entire season due to serious knee surgery.  I can't wait to see him back at full speed next season!

Jared Sullinger had a promising start to the season this year, but was sidelined with a back injury.  He has had surgery and should be a big factor for the Celtics next fall.

D.J. White also acquired late in the season, didn't see much playing time, but may be back next year.

Chris Wilcox during the season made some major blocks and pitched in when needed.

And last but not least, Terrance Williams, another late addition, showed promise as a back up point guard.  He's fast and strong and can make an impact.

Friday night's game was unbelievable.  The Celtics have been counted out so many times this year.  When Rondo was injured, the doubters declared their season was over; Sullinger had to have back surgery, and again the non-believers said the Celts would never make the playoffs.

They say "Never underestimate the heart of a Champion."  The Celtics just kept grinding and working and finally, despite numerous injuries, did make the playoffs.  They lost the first 3 games to the New York Knicks, and again, many thought they were done.  But they wouldn't give up.  The fought back and won games 4 and 5, and in the last quarter of game 6 when they were down by 26 points, dug in and fought their way back, went on a 24 to 2 point run and closed the gap to just 4 points!  (Needless to say, I was jumping up and down and screaming!)  But they lost.  They lost, but they didn't roll over and give up; they went down fighting, because that's what Celtics do.

Just 7 months 'til training camp.....and the 2013-2014 season.  You can bet I will be glued to my tv, cheering them on again.  If only I could afford court-side tickets; I'd be at the Boston Garden in a heart beat!  Hear that, Celtics?  Anyone want to offer your oldest and most fanatic fan a couple of tickets?