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Sunday, June 30, 2013

Silent Sunday


Today I'm mourning the loss of  two of my favorite Celtics:   Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett have been traded to the Brooklyn Nets.  I'm so sad to see them go;  I know it had to happen, but it still breaks my heart.


EVA

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Saturday Silliness




THE NIGHT NURSE

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 16-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
 
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some ass hole's got my pen!'

***********************************


---WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. 
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the 
Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?' 
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.''
Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' 


He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, ' 
Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies, 
'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.'

Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 
'Then who are these for?' Those are for college men,' the dad answers,
'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12Pack. 
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 
'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'
***********************





DEAD GIVEAWAY!

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."


*************************


EVA 

Friday, June 28, 2013

Exposing Victoria's Secret!





We need a more mature version of Victoria’s Secret. There should be a retail outlet where those of us who do not have the body of a Playboy centerfold can shop for pretty undies with confidence. Just because our boobs are more bountiful than bodacious, and our fannies are more flagrant than fetching, doesn’t mean we want to cover them in common cotton! Are satin and silk only available in small swatches?



I propose a ”Big Booty Boutique;”
A store with yards of lace and satin so sleek,
And generously-sized lingerie that holds everything in—
With funhouse mirrors that make us look thin!
A store where never, never would a clerk
Smaller than a size 26 be hired to work!


At the door they would greet us grandly
With lots of champagne and Lindt Chocolate candy:
They would coo, “ooh” and “ah” at how lovely we look
As they hurried to help us with each snap and hook.
The only problem would be, when we got home and took stock
Of ourselves in the mirror, we’d be in for a shock! 


*****************


EVA

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

WTF Wednesday

How fast the weeks fly by!  It's What the F*ck Wednesday again, in the blink of an eye!  That's the day when I share with you those news items that cause me to scratch my head and ask myself, "What the f*ck???"


This week's nuggets are below:


If you are wondering what the guy in the photo is doing, he goes by the name "Tootenanny" and he's competing in the 4th Annual Air Sex Show in Manhattan, NY.  You've heard of "Air Guitar" competitions?  Well, they were the inspiration for this contest where men and women individually appear on stage and perform simulated solo sex acts.

The rules are simple:  there must always be an imaginary partner on stage and all orgasms must be simulated.  The winner is selected by judges based on comedic appeal, sexual performance, and sexual energy.  This years winner's stage name was "Jam Out With My Clam Out" and wore a costume of a long robe, granny glasses, and a head full of hair curlers.  She beat out the competition when she removed her dentures to simulate oral sex.

They say there wasn't a dry seat in the house!  I wonder if this will become an Olympic event?

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Dogs in Underwear--the Latest Trend



And I'm not even going to say another word on that topic...the photos speak volumes!


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Giant Yellow Jacket Nest

In Florida, an insect expert was called in to deal with a yellow jacket nest that was over 6 and a half feet tall and 8 feet wide.  He said the nest included thousands of queens and millions of workers. 
He destroyed the nest and insects and admitted that though the nest was in a remote area, it could have been a deadly situation if an unprepared individual had happened upon it.

That's the latest buzz from the south!

********************

Dumb Criminal?


Police in Syracuse, NY, say Arthur Brundage robbed a bank and then return to complain that he was short-changed on the loot! 

Duh!

*******************

911 Booty Call


Clyde Hobbs dialed 911 seventeen times in one day.  The 72 year-old's emergency apparently was a need to talk dirty.  He made sexually oriented comments to operators each time he called.  When police showed up at his home, he asked, "Are you here to arrest me again?"   Indeed, it was the third time Hobbs had been arrested for the same stunt over the past 4 years!

Some one needs to tell this guy that that there are 900 numbers you can call for this service which won't result in a trip to the hoosegow!

**********************

Enough head-scratching for today!

EVA

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Silent Sunday

Two of my favorite munchkins:  Austin and Carter!


EVA

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Saturday Silliness


      MR. GORSKY ? 


   
    In case you didn't already know this little tidbit of trivia....
 
    
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

       
His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.  But just before he re-entered the Lander, he made the enigmatic remark - "Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky."
 
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut.
 
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian orAmerican space programs.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the - 'Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa bay, Florida , while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question about Mr. Gorsky to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded because Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question. Here is the answer to "who was Mr. Gorsky":

In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.  His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by their bedroom window.  His neighbors were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky,

"SEX! You want SEX?!  You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
    

    
It broke the place up.  Neil Armstrong’s family confirmed this is a true story.  


**************************

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me?" 

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman..

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and 
desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

*****************

EVA



Friday, June 21, 2013

Flaunting Fiction Friday

          The clock above the door in Andre’s Luncheonette read two o’clock, and the number of waiting customers began to dwindle.  The kitchen door opened, and a petite, dark-haired waitress in a crisp, white uniform, black apron, and white sneakers emerged, holding two dinner plates and three cups of coffee.  One plate was balanced on here forearm, the other was tightly clasped in her left hand; her right hand held three cups of coffee, stacked on top of each other.  As she turned the corner, the three little cream jars which she had so carefully placed on the saucers crashed to the floor.  Undaunted, Lily continued to the table at the end of the dining room.

             I’ll be back in a minute with cream.  Is your hamburger okay, sir?”

            “This is fine, thank you, just fine,” answered the man at the table as he took a bite of his sandwich.  He watched her with more than a casual interest as he chewed his food, noticing the efficient way she checked every table on her way back to the counter, obviously making mental notes of her customers’ lunching progress.  Her attention to detail, despite the creamer mishap, was not lost on the man as he continued eating his hamburger.  She had a ready smile for the customers and managed to cater to their needs without fawning or being intrusive; just the kind of person he’d like to have working for him, he thought.

            Returning to the counter, Lily saw Ellen coming toward her.  The kindly, grey-haired waitress had taken Lily under her wing when she had first started working there a few weeks before, teaching her the ins and outs of waiting tables and working for the tyrannical Andre.

           “Here’s your cream, Lily.  Boy, Ol’ Andy didn’t miss the mess you made near the kitchen door.  Better take care of it quick.  He’s steaming!”

            A glance toward the cash register assured her that Ellen wasn’t kidding.  Andre, or Andy (as the waitresses called him among themselves), was watching her intently.  His salt-and-pepper hair was nearly standing on end, and his tiny mustache was twitching, a sure sign that he was pretty irritated.

          Lily pretended to not notice him.  With a forced smile she carried the three creamers to the waiting coffee drinkers.  Then she hurried to the kitchen to get a broom, dustpan, and mop to take care of the remains of her fiasco.

          “Here you go, Lily.”  Don the cook, was waiting for her with the broom and mop.  “Chin up, Carlo,” he told her with a wink.

           She turned, but stopped short.  Confronting her, his feet apart his hands on hips, and fire in his beady eyes, was Andre.  Lily Carlo swallowed hard and braced herself for what she knew was coming.


           “Miss Carlo!  Will you EVER learn to do anything right? Go on, go on, and clean that mess up!  I’ve never seen such a STUPID waitress!  Go on, go on—get to it!"

**************************


The above is the beginning of a short story I published on Kindle, called "The Summer Playground."   



EVA

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Happy 40th birthday to my youngest son, Jason!
*******************************

EVA

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

WTF Wednesday

How fast the weeks fly by!  It's What the F*ck Wednesday again, in the blink of an eye!  That's the day when I share with you those news items that cause me to scratch my head and ask myself, "What the f*ck???"


Hand-holding a Gateway to Sex?

The Tennessee Senate has decided that hand-holding is way too sexy for kids, and have made it part of the sex ed curriculum.  The bill also goes so far as to make it a fireable offense for a teacherto demonstrate the activity.  What's next?  Will a mother escorting her child into a school building while holding his or her hand be labelled a pedophile???

I remember holding hands with boys while walking around the playground in elementary school;  I don't recall that it gave me any urge to duck behind the swing set, get naked, and make babies.  (Of course, I can't speak for the boys involved!)  Have times changed that much in the past 60 years that we have to make sure children kids don't make any physical contact--even as innocuous as hand-holding?  

*****************************


OOPs Baby!

A sixty year-old woman was admitted to the hospital with stomach pain, uncertain whether she had food poisoning or appendicitis; turns out she was in labor!  She gave birth to a baby girl a few hours later.  Apparently surviving menopause does  not guarantee that you don't need to use birth control.

Imagine giving birth at age 60?   Shoot me now!

**************

Cat or Cap

 This girl's mother called the bakery and ordered a cake for her daughter's graduation party.  She included a photo of her daughter and asked if they could draw a cap on her head.

Someone has a hearing problem, I'd say!  I hope it at least tasted delicious!

*************************


Bike Thief Run Down by Marathon Mom



A thief in Seattle, Washington got a surprise when he tried to steal a bicycle from a suburban garage.  The bike belonged to the husband of a marathon runner!  Dressed in running attire and preparing for her daily run, she spotted the stranger entering her garage.  She emerged from the house as he emerged from the garage with the bike.  She ordered him to drop it; he looked her straight in the eye, got on the bike and rode off down the driveway.

Angered by his dismissal of her, she ran after him.  He soon regretted his decision and ditched the bike.  She continued after him, while shouting to neighbors to call 911.  He yelled at her to stop following him between huffing and puffing, but she responded that she could continue for 12 miles if necessary.   Having just completed a Masters Degree in Pastoral Counseling, the Marathoner tried to reason with him and suggested they talk.  The police arrived and apprehended the man after they had run a little over a mile. The man was charged with theft and criminal trespass.

There's nothing scarier for a man than a woman running after him yelling, "Let's talk about your feelings!"

******************************

EVA

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Looking Back on Father's Day

Today is Father's Day.  Two years ago I posted a tribute to my Dad, and I thought I would repost it this year, as it really is special to me, as he was.

Sunday is Father’s Day. Once a year, we take the time to show our appreciation to all the Dads out there. Those among us who are fortunate to have our Dads in our lives should be grateful. The youngest of seven children, I lost my father when I was 27. He died of a heart attack while driving in Canada on vacation. In some ways it was tragic; we weren’t ready to lose him. Too many things left unsaid; too many goals unachieved. In some ways it was a blessing; he died doing what he loved, and we didn’t have to suffer the pain of watching him wither away at the mercy of some debilitating disease.


Dad had been a pipefitter at the paper mill in Waterville. He spent 40 plus years working there to support his family of 7 children. He would have liked to have been a plumber and have had his own business. He never found the courage, the financing, or the business acumen to achieve his dream.


Sadly, Dad didn’t live long enough to see one of his sons achieve that dream in his place. One of my brothers did start his own successful plumbing and heating business. Mom often said she wished Dad could have been around to see that fleet of red vans with white stenciling proclaiming “Plourde’s Plumbing and Heating, Inc.” My brother eventually retired and sold the business, but I suspect Dad was looking down on him with great wistful pride while the business was in operation.


My Dad never got to see all of his grandchildren; there are 25 in all. He also never saw any great-grandchildren and there are at least 45 of those (I’m not 100% sure of that count!). And now there are great-greats showing up. In among those grandchildren are a teacher, a physical therapist, several computer specialists, a couple of business managers, more than a couple of small business owners, an accountant or two, and several other productive citizens. He also fathered and grandfathered many loving Dads. What a legacy!


Dad never talked about love; he lived it. He spent the better part of his life working hard to provide for us. There was never a shortage of hugs in our house, but he was strict and firm with us. I remember if there was too much horsing around after bedtime, he would come to the foot of the stairs, pound his beefy fist on one of the wooden steps, and threaten (in French), “I’m going to come up there!” I don’t remember that he ever carried out the threat, but we shook between the sheets; there was no question he meant business! We instinctively knew that Dad coming upstairs would NOT be a good thing.


I remember him cooking sometimes. Homefries made from leftover boiled potatoes, French toast, hot dogs, and I especially remember him helping my mother make Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, once the oldest of us had married and would come home on those holidays.

I may have inherited his stubbornness; we locked horns from time to time. When I decided to go to college against his wishes, we nearly came to a parting of the ways. He saw no reason that a girl needed to go to college! In the end, he and my mother came to my college graduation, and both shed tears when I went to the podium to give the the traditional Ivy Oration. I may have gone on to college, but I learned my work ethic, my values, and the importance of family,growing up on our farm. Thank you, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.


And Happy Fathers' Day to all Dads, everywhere.

EVA

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Saturday Silliness


My best friend and her ex had a very amicable divorce.   She knows this because when she 
changed her Facebook status to "I'm getting a divorce," he was the first one to click "like."


**************


Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento 
of some sort inside.  
 
"Yes," says Sally, "a lock of my husband's hair."  
 
"But Larry's still alive." 
 
"I know, but his hair is gone." 

*****************


Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction'  to the first year medical students. 

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. 
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably golfing with his buddies."

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom. 

***********************

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a 
well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded.  
 
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this - I am a United States 
congressman"  
 
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money." 

*****************


.**********************************

EVA

Friday, June 14, 2013

Freaky Friday

Searching the Stores for a Swimsuit

It’s swimsuit time, Oh my.  I can hardly wait to try
My luck at finding a bathing suit that doesn’t make me cry.
I’ll tug and pull and suck everything in,
Which is bound to increase my double chin!

Once piece or two, chartreuse or ecru;
Multi-color or plain blue?
Pick a modest tank suit or bikini,
Or the latest, “Tankini?”

This much I know
(The mirror told me so!):
This butt does not belong
In anything like a thong!

The choices are many
But I doubt that there’s any
Shapes or color dyes
That can flatter thunder thighs!

What would work for me
Is something shoulder to knee—
This plump Baby Boomer
Needs a swimdress with bloomer!

Since such a suit can’t be found,
And I looked all around,
With last year’s suit I’ll stay
And call it a day!



an original poem by EVA Gallant

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

WTF Wednesday

Yes, it's that time again!  The time when I share with you the news items that cause me to scratch my head and ask, "What the f*ck?"

This week's picks:

Ban on Saggy Pants

The city of Wildwood, New Jersey has passed a law banning saggy pants.  According to the mayor, city hall has received dozens of phone calls from tourists complaining  that they are tired of seeing guys underwear or butt cracks, and are threatening to vacation elsewhere unless action is taken.

I wonder if the guilty guys with the sagging slacks are aware of the fact that this fashion trend started in prisons, where the convicts are not allowed to have belts for safety reasons?  Would they think it "trendy"to parade around like prisoners?  (personally, I'd be worried the things would end up down around my ankles and I'd trip and fall flat on my face!)

Regardless, there will be no sagging pants in Wildwood.  It's the law:  No if, ands, or butts!

****************************


Woman Aiming For Guinness Book of World Recods




Michele Koebke has worn a steadily tightening corset for three years, and has successfully shrunk her 21 inch waist to 16 inches.  She says she wears the corset constantly and only removes it when she showers.  Her goal is to get her waist down to 14 inches and squeeze by the existing Guinness World Record holder 
Cathie Jung whose waist is 15 inches.

Her plan is not without difficulty; she has to eat 10 tiny meals per day, and she has difficulty supporting her torso when she is not wearing the corset.  She insists, however, that she is not experiencing any pain and plans to stay with her plan until she reaches her goal!

Now that's a true hourglass figure....I'll pass on this one, thanks.

*************************

The T-Rex Burger


Nope, you're not seeing things!  Wendy's T-Rex Burger is real, but at only one location:  Brandon, Manitoba, Canada.  Originally a tongue-in-cheeck ad in Sports Illustrated, 9 years ago, it was never meant to really be on the menu.  But customers in Brandon starting calling and requesting it, so the restaurant obliged!

Talk about a heart attack waiting to happen!  This would probably feed that tiny-waisted chick mentioned above for a week!

*************************************


In Flight Entertainment?
(sorry, no photos!)

A San Gabriel teenage girl and her parents are suing United Airlines because when the girl complained to the flight attendant that the man across the aisle from her was exposing himself and masterbating.  (The man was hiding his behavior from other passengers with a blanket.)  The flight attendant said there was nothing the airline could do, as there were no empty seats they could move her to on the plane.  The flight crew took no action, and the man continued his behavior while staring at her for the full 6-hour NY to LA flight, stopping only when an attendant was near.
When the girl reached her destination, she told her parents and they called the police.  The man was located, arrested, and convicted of lewd conduct.  United Airlines says the comfort and safety of their passengers is paramount to them and they will investigate the incident.  

Sounds sorta like closing the barn door after the horse is loose, wouldn't you say?

************************

That's enough head-scratching news for this week!

EVA

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Silent Sunday


My sister's granddaughters, Abby and Emily.

EVA

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Saturday Silliness

On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to.' So Ole drove to Duluth .

*******************
OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS
 When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, 'I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents.'

**************************
 THAT'S HER! 




A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, 'Yep, dat's her!'

**********************
 SWIM COMPETITION
A Swedish woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The Frenchwoman came in first, the Englishwoman second. The Swede reached shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, 'I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other two girls used der arms.'

****************************
 MUSIC SOLUTION




Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?' asked Lars.
'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.

**********************
 Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Minnetonka , Minnesota . The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's said,'Ole...What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked.' 'Yah, I know,' said Ole. 'You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas boys and girls.' 

'Is that right?', his policeman friend asked. 

'Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!'So vee all go into the bedroom....where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' 'Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!'
 I guess I'm the first one here.

*****************************

EVA