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Wednesday, July 31, 2013

WTF Wednesday

How fast the weeks fly by!  It's What the F*ck Wednesday again, in the blink of an eye!  That's the day when I share with you those news items that cause me to scratch my head and ask myself, "What the f*ck???


Beating the Heat While on the Road!

A police officer was on patrol in Germany, when he noticed an unusual type of convertible.  It was a roofless BMW with wooden boards and plastic flowers all around the edge.  On second glance, he noticed it was filled with water.  Four young men in bathing suits who appeared to be inebriated were frolicking around in the water.

When the "joyriders" spotted the officer, they pulled over and fled on foot.  Closer examination revealed that the car had been sealed with a synthetic material and filled with about 530 gallons of water.  The officer disabled the car by removing the sparkplugs and letting the air out of the tires.  When a 27-year-old male suspected to be the driver returned to the vehicle to recover his wallet, he was apprehended and administered a sobriety test.  No charges have yet been filed, as it is uncertain whether it is illegal to fill a car with water in Germany; the car was lacking a proper road permit.

These German fellows have given a whole new meaning to "Car Pooling!"

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A Wedding Present in the Bride's Kiss


A bride-to-be showed up at a detention center in Huntsville, Tennessee, to marry one of the inmates.  While she was being searched, she asked if she would be allowed to kiss the groom.
The police officer noticed she seemed to be having difficulty keeping her dentures in place.  Finally, they dropped and he noticed a small package in her mouth.  It seems she planned to pass meth to her groom during the wedding kiss.  She is now being held on $25,000 bail.

Not what usually comes to mind when we talk about "mouth-to-mouth."

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Celebrities before and after the makeup session:


Can you guess who this is????    Scroll down to find out.



Would you believe Kathy Griffin?



How about this one?  Recognize her?



  Would you believe, Sharon Stone?




Does this lady look familiar?



It's the lovely Cameron Diaz!


I guess the lesson here is "all that glitters is not gold."  And the next time your teenage daughter complains that she's not as pretty as some movie star, you might want to remind her that what we see on the screen is not real....not by a long shot, in many cases!


Enough head scratching for today!

EVA

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Silent Sunday





My son Jason and his bride Tammy take the plunge!

EVA

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Saturday Silliness




WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS...............
 
 
I was visiting my niece last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
 
 
"This is the 21st century," she said. 'I don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, use my IPad."
 
 I can tell you this……………………
 
 
That fly never knew what hit him.

***********************

GETTING OLDER 



A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication
 
you prescribed has to be taken
 for the rest of my life?" 

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. 

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 
"I'm wondering, then,
 just how serious is my condition 
because this prescription is marked
 
'NO REFILLS'..
" 

**************************

The Traffic Stop

 A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

 He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

 The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

 The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

 At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?" 

*****************


3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one says to the bartender " I will have
 a shot of blood" the second one says : I will have a shot of blood" the third 
vampire says " I will have a shot of plasma" 
 
 
The bartender says " Let me get this straight 2 bloods and a blood light?" 

*******************

EVA

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

WTF Wednesday

How fast the weeks fly by!  It's What the F*ck Wednesday again, in the blink of an eye!  That's the day when I share with you those news items that cause me to scratch my head and ask myself, "What the f*ck???"

Today I'm sharing with you some of the weird things you can find for sale on Amazon:

This will be a great hit in your guest bathroom!  It's a soap dispenser in the form of a nose.  Press or squeeze it and out comes green soap; your guests can have the sensation of washing away their boogers with boogers!

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Continuing with the bathroom/shower theme:  the "Weener Kleener Soap:"  One size fits most men and it gives a "hole" new dimension to fun in the tub!

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Here's the gift for the guy in need:  Dolly the  sexy, inflatable sheep!  'nuff said on that one!!

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Looking to spice up you meals?  How about some canned unicorn meat!  (Actually this has a disclaimer explaining that you can't eat it; can contains a dismembered stuffed unicorn!)

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Have a fondness for Ladies?....here's the opportunity to acquire approximately 1500 live lady bugs.
(I understand they can be useful in your garden--each can eat up to 50 aphids per day!)

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And bringing up the rear (pun intended), last but not least, for the outdoorsman who has everything, the Deer Rear Bottle Opener!  He can use the deer rear to uncap his beer!

I know, it's a shame I didn't discover these before Father's Day, but there are birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmas will be here before you know it!


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Enough head-scratching for this week!

EVA

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Silent Sunday


Old Orchard Beach, Maine on Saturday night, 8:30 p.m.
WGME13 skycam

EVA

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Saturday Silliness


Teacher asks the kids in class, "Do you know what you want to be when you grow 
up?" 
 
Johnny. "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the 
best girlfriend, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in 
Paris, a jet to travel around the world, an infinite visa card, and make love to 
her three times a day". 
 
The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides 
not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson. 
 
And you, Tanya? 
 
Yes mam, I want to be Johnny's girlfriend!! 

**********************





********************

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too 
upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly." 
 
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you 
down?" 
 
"Yes," the boy's mother answered. 
 
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked. 
 
"Who cares?" the mother replied. 


*************



**************************



After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the 
clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get 
his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth 
hole about twenty minutes ago?" 
 
"Yes," the golfer responded. 
 
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the 
course?" 
 
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. 
 
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway 
and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing 
into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the 
fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" 
 
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... 
 
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right 
thumb." 

********************

EVA

Friday, July 19, 2013

Freakin' Fryin' Friday!

It's in the high 90s and very humid in Maine. To avoid the danger of frying my brain, I shall refrain from posting today.  See you on Saturday!



EVA

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

WTF Wednesday

How fast the weeks fly by!  It's What the F*ck Wednesday again, in the blink of an eye!  That's the day when I share with you those news items that cause me to scratch my head and ask myself, "What the f*ck???"




Ashley Madison

"Ashley Madison is the most famous name in infidelity and married dating. As seen on Hannity,Howard Stern,TIME,BusinessWeek,Sports Illustrated,Maxim,USA Today. Ashley Madison is the most recognized and reputablemarried dating company.Our Married Dating Services for Married individuals Work. Ashley Madison is the most successful website forfinding an affairand cheating partners. Have an Affair today on Ashley Madison. Thousands ofcheating wivesand cheating husbands signup everyday looking for an affair. We are the most famous website fordiscreet encountersbetween married individuals. Married Dating has never been easier. With Our affair guarantee package we guarantee you will find the perfect affair partner. Sign up for Free today."

The above is copied and pasted directly from the Ashley Madison website.  I'm not sure what this world is coming to when there's an internet website specifically for helping married people cheat.
Their motto is:  Life is short; have an affair."  For a monthly fee, you can find people in your area who want to commit adultery with you.  

It sort of a "Match.com" for husbands and wives who don't believe in fidelity.  I'm not a terribly religious person, but I do take my marriage vow seriously, and this whole concept makes me feel nauseous....especially when they brag that they have over 20,000,000 members!

***************


Cheaterville

This is a website in response to Ashley Madison, I guess.   You are invited to post a photo of your cheating mate and tell your story.  If you are wondering if your significant other is a cheat, you can enter his or her name and do a search.  If their name and photo turn up, someone has reported them as a philandering phool.

Their motto is :  Don't be the last to know!

Would you post your story on this site if you'd been wronged?  The director of the site claims he's saving people from broken hearts.

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" Udder " Disaster



By now you've heard about the man in Brazil who died after a 3,000 pound cow fell through the roof of his house, landing on top of him in his bed, narrowly missing his wife.   The sad part is, it wasn't the cow that killed him, his family said.  He died in the local hospital emergency room having bled to death of internal injuries while waiting for treatment.  His wife and the cow survived.

At first I thought this might have been a tragic outcome of "cow tipping," but apparently, the bovine boarded the bedroom roof from a small hill very close to the house.  The hospital disagrees with the family, denying culpability for the corpse, but I think the family may have a legitimate beef.

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A Low Blow!
A man in Israel was rushed to the hospital last week when a snake hiding in his toilet jumped at him when he was about to relieve himself and bit him -- yep!  Snake jaws on his junk!  Doctors say he was fortunate that the snake was not poisonous as Israel has many dangerous species and he survived without serious injury.

He was bitten on his penis by a snake!  He's lucky????   What do they consider BAD luck??

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Enough head-scratching for today!

EVA

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Silent Sunday


Niagra Falls at night.
photo by
Eric LaLiberty

EVA

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Saturday Silliness

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
**********************

Reading and childbirth


Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "Tale of Two Cities" and she gave birth to twins"

"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'The Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"

The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves"!!!


*****************

INTERESTING  OBSERVATION




1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.


2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.





3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is  FOOTBALL.



4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.   



5.  The sport of choice for middle management is  TENNIS.


   and... 


6. The  sport of choice for corporate executives and  officers is GOLF. So...

THE AMAZING  CONCLUSION:




The  higher you go in the corporate structure, the  smaller your balls become.
   Therefore, there must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles!!!
****************

EVA

Friday, July 12, 2013

Flaunting Fiction Friday

In a conversation with my daughter-in-law last night, I mentioned that I had picked up a new pastime during my retirement. Kristen thought about it for a minute and said, "Kareoke?"

When I stopped laughing long enough to catch my breath, I said, "No. Blogging."

You might not think that was so funny unless you've heard me sing. I love to sing; as a 'tween (10, 11, 0r 12 year-old) I devoured Hit Parade magazine. The lyrics to all the current songs were in it, and I learned them all and loved to sing along with my record player. (I'm referring to the era before 8-tracks, cassette tapes, stereophonic sound, and CDs!) I had all the 45 rpm records, including Elvis, Connie Francis, Bobby Rydell, and Fat's Domino.Vocalizing was so much fun to me.

Back in the seventies, I even performed on stage in a community theater production of the musical, "Godspell." The fact that my physician at the time, Dr. George Bostwick, who had been in the audience, later commented that I had "so much personality on stage that no one even noticed your voice" should have given me pause.

A few years later, when I sang to my then four-year-old son Eric as I was tucking him in his bed, "Are You Lonesome Tonight?' I assumed he was crying because my rendition was so touching.

It wasn't until 1984, shortly after I married Mr. Eva (yep, husband number 2) that I learned the truth: I am singing impaired! At least that was what hubby called my affliction. It's been a rude awakening, and I now only sing along with music from the 50's on satellite radio when I'm ALONE in my car. . . which is why the notion of me taking up kareoke was such a hoot!

The sad thing is, being singing impaired does not qualify one for disability benefits, either, which could eventually leave one tone deaf AND destitute.
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The above is a selection from my book:  The Best of Wrestling With Retirement



This book is a collection of my best blog post of 2009 thru 2012.  click here to learn more!

Browse through my other titles by paying a visit to my Author's Page, here!

EVA

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

WTF Wednesday

How fast the weeks fly by!  It's What the F*ck Wednesday again, in the blink of an eye!  That's the day when I share with you those news items that cause me to scratch my head and ask myself, "What the f*ck???"


False Alarm?

A domestic violence incident in Clawson, Michigan, turned out to be just the blood-curdling sounds of a woman smelling a fart.

The dispatcher told Clawson police a call had come in reporting a woman screaming and yelling, "No!  Stop!"  The caller expressed concern that the woman was being beaten.  When the officer arrived at the house and knocked on the door, the woman answered.  When asked if she was okay, she admitted that she'd been shouting at her boyfriend to stop when he was continuing to pass gas.

A little Beano, and there'd BE NO 911 call!

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A Suspicious "Package"
When police pulled Ray Woods over for speeding, they noticed a bag of marijuana on the seat beside him.  When they asked him to step out of the car, they noticed an unusually large bulge in the front of his pants.  He was arrested and taken to the police station.  When searching him, they found he had 89 bags of heroin and cocaine tied to his penis.  When the officer tried to remove the bags, he then proceeded to urinate everywhere.  He was charged with possession with intent to deliver, and tampering with evidence. 

Perhaps it was an attempt to "water down" the charges against him?

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Before and After


I don't know about you, but I think Meg Ryan looked better BEFORE she had plastic surgery!  I can't figure out why anyone thinks those botoxed lips are an improvement!  WTF?

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Another Before and After:


The above example shows how Faith Hill's photo was air-brushed and photo shopped for public consumption.  Notice how much thinner her arm is, how much smaller her waist is, and how much thinner her thighs are under her skirt.  Also, neck wrinkles and bags under the eyes are gone in cover photo, too.  No wonder our young women are anorexic or bulimic; they are trying to match a standard that doesn't exist in real life!  WTF?   She's beautiful before the touch-ups!  Why is perfection necessary??

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That's all the head-scratching for today!

EVA