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Tuesday, October 29, 2013

WTF Wednesday



How fast the weeks fly by!  It's What the F*ck Wednesday again, in the blink of an eye!  That's the day when I share with you those news items that cause me to scratch my head and ask myself, "What the f*ck???

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That Pizza Craving Can Be the Death of You!
Michael Morin, 60, of Oakland, Maine, stopped for lunch at a Pizza Hut in Skowhegan, Maine.  He parked his fully loaded logging truck a couple of car rows away from the building, exited the vehicle and proceeded toward the restaurant, which was due to open in 5 minutes.  For reasons unknown to the police at this time, the truck rolled forward, crushing Morin and crashing into the front of the building.  Morin was pronounced dead at the local hospital.  The Police Chief and Pizza Hut employees are probably scratching their heads and wondering.....(you've got it: WTF?)
Maybe he should have ordered takeout?
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       Harsh Hack!



A 26-year-old man in China was so depressed by his inactive love life that he cut off his penis.  A short time later, he regretted his rash action, jumped on his bicycle and rode to the hospital as quickly as he could.  When the attending doctor asked him where the missing member was, he realized he'd forgotten it in his rush.  He pounced back on his bike and pedaled in pursuit of the penis in a panic.   When he finally returned to the hospital, too much time had passed, the organ had been without blood for too long, and, sadly, reattachment was no longer viable.   

Chop in haste and repent at leisure?
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Let Your Teddy Travel!
A Japanese travel agency wants to send your stuffed animals on vacation!  For a nominal fee of $55.00, you can send Teddy or Pooh to Tokyo, Yokohama, or even on a Mystery Tour.  Unagi Travel offers the person who's housebound, or can't afford to go on vacation oneself, to experience travel vicariously through the eyes of you toy friends.  (Though why you would want to sent a stuffed animal on vacation is a mystery to me!)

Wait a minute!  They are onto something here!  If  I can stuff 60 teddy bears in a suitcase, at $55 each, I could go on that cruise I've always wanted to experience!  What do you say?  Anyone want to sent their Pooh Bear or Piglet on a cruise for only $55?  I promise I'll send you photos of your furry friend enjoying the deck, the casino, even the pool!
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Enough head-scratching for today!

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EVA

Friday, October 25, 2013

T.G.I.F.


Today Mr. Eva has an appointment with the Infection Specialist regarding the infection he acquired after his surgery.  He was having antibiotics infused twice daily intravenously until a few days ago.  Now he's down to once a day.  He is officially being released from the rehab facility tomorrow, exactly two months after his knee operation.  It's been a long, hectic, and stressful road, but we are grateful that he will finally be home.  Two months of institutional meals!  He's dying for some home cooking!

This afternoon I'll need to go grocery shopping to replenish the pantry and refrigerator so I can prepare some of his favorites!  (Me thinks an apple pie may be on the horizon, too.)

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At the risk of being annoying, I'd like to remind the 70+ readers who downloaded my free book from Amazon to please, please, please find the time to post a review.  As I stated earlier, reviews help spur sales.
If you have read the book and are ready to make your comments, click on this link!

Your time and effort will be appreciated!  If enough people take the time to post a review, I'll do another promotion in November or December and offer "Welcome to Singles Night" free for a couple of days.

EVA

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

WTF Wednesday

How fast the weeks fly by!  It's What the F*ck Wednesday again, in the blink of an eye!  That's the day when I share with you those news items that cause me to scratch my head and ask myself, "What the f*ck???


It's All In Your Perspective


  
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

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 ELDERLY






While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.



One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
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P.S.  If you are one of the 70+ people who downloaded my book, "The Best of Wrestling With Retirement,"  I hope you will take a few minutes and go back to Amazon and post a review, once you've finished reading it.  Reviews help my sales.  Also, if you enjoyed it, tell your friends!


s.p.s.   It's official!  I've totally lost my mind.   I posted saturday silliness jokes on WTF Wednesday!  I need to get back on  my meds!
************
EVA 

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Saturday Silliness

Cinderella's Wishes in Old Age



Cinderella is now 95 years old. 

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,
 she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. 

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the
 fairy godmother. 
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'? 

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have
 lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?' 

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some
 thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: 

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.. .I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and
 I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. '  Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. 

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother' 

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do.  What do you want for your second wish?' 

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth
 I once had.' 


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella  felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. 

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:  'You have one more wish; what shall it be?' 


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'  Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him  neither she nor the world had ever seen. 

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'  With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. 

For a few eerie moments,
 Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.   Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. 

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed
 in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.   He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry you cut my nuts off now.'
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THE TINY CABIN 


A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

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Pumpkins are a Man's Best Friend


Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior,... public indecency and public intoxication.
Lawrence explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop. "You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence, and he's just having his way with this pumpkin...'
Senior Constable Taylor went on to describe what happened ... "I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"
"Lawrence froze, and was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said, 'A pumpkin? Shit - is it midnight already?'"\

********************P.S.  Don't forget! The Best of Wrestling With Retirement (Ebook) is available for free today and tomorrow on Amazon!  Click here to take advantage of this 2 day promotion!

EVA

Friday, October 18, 2013

Flaunting Fiction Friday Freebie!

Wrestling With Retirement has been appearing here for over 4 years.  In the early years, I wrote and published every day, and I shared my thoughts about retirement, aging, being overweight, and life in general.
I selected my favorite and funniest posts and published them on Kindle under the name "The Best of Wrestling with Retirement."

As a special promotion, The Best of Wrestling With Retirement will be available free, tomorrow and Sunday only (October 19th and 20th)!  
Click on this link to go to Amazon and get your free copy of the Best of Wrestling With Retirement tomorrow!  And if you enjoy it, I hope you'll tell your friends about it (preferably after it's no longer free! ).  This offer is for this weekend only, so take advantage while you can, and I guarantee you will chuckle a few times while reading!

What are you waiting for?   Go get your copy now!!  And be sure to let me know if you enjoy it...and even if you don't!

EVA

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

WTF Wednesday

How fast the weeks fly by!  It's What the F*ck Wednesday again, in the blink of an eye!  That's the day when I share with you those news items that cause me to scratch my head and ask myself, "What the f*ck???

MacAttack!

A pedestrian in Brunswick, Ohio, reported to police that he was nearly rundown by a driver in an SUV.  The driver was found exiting a McDonald's drive-thru and failed to stop for police officers.  He did pull over some distance later and apologized, saying he was too drunk and wanted to finish his Big Mac.  He continued eating during the stop, and then completed the sobriety test.  Randall Miller faces charges of operating under the influence, failure to comply, and driving without a license.

At least he has a full tummy!  (Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun!)

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"I Vant to be alone."
Devis Licciardi attempted to pass a drug test with the use of a fake penis.  The "organ" was filled with uncontaminated urine.  The ploy was discovered when he asked to be alone to give his specimen.  The doctor administering the test refused his request, and as a result,  was caught "red-handed.  The fake penis runner is now facing a lengthy ban from the Olympics.

I feel like the adage "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" applies here, but I'm not sure why.
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A pre-Halloween Horror?
That one left me speechless!
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Enough head scratching for today!

EVA

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Smitten With Sports Sunday!


They're Ba a a a ck!

It seems to me that it took forever to get here, but basketball season is starting again!  And even though my favorite NBA team traded away 3 of my favorite loves (Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Jason Terry), I don't think I'll have trouble finding new heart throbs!  

Last night the Boston Celtics beat the New York Knicks by 30 points in a pre-season game,  True, most of New York's starters were taking a night off to rest, but the Celts were playing without Rajon Rondo, who's still recovering from a torn ACL, and veteran Gerald Wallace, who was also taking a rest break.

Six of the Celtics scored in double figures, which shows how totally unselfish they are as a team.  Brandon Bass, Avery Bradley, Jeff Green, Jordan Crawford, Courtney Lee, and Jared Sullinger are back, and there are all kinds of new additions to the fold.  

I am so happy to be able to watch basketball again!  Oh, I watch my grandsons play soccer, and I follow the Boston Red Sox in baseball, but neither come close to my love of basketball and the Boston Celtics!

Spoiler alert:  Be aware that I'll probably be yapping about  it while the season goes on!

EVA

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Saturday Silliness



Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed.  He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown"

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property.

Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the schmuck has a milk route."

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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

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The Man Who Gave Up Sex For Golf

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,"  the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then,
 a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up
one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels
that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same  stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up
another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to
say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning
this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and
says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am.
I'm the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."
  
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."


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Out of the mouths of babes!!!!
 
Grandpa, what is couple sex?
Make sure that you understand the question first....
All you Grandpas and Grandmas, this was too funny not to forward.
We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up.
 
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
 
The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready…in just a couple secs."


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EVA

Friday, October 11, 2013

Flaunting Fiction Friday

Today I'm recommending one of my friends books; not because she's my friend, but because I truly loved the book!
Terri Sonoda has a blog called Terri's Little Corner where she makes you laugh with her self-deprecating humor.  Her book, Dark Pretense, is a very different kind of novel, unlike anything I've read before.  Her main character Katy played with imaginary friends as a child.  But unlike most children, when she grew up, she didn't leave her imaginary friends behind.  Carrying that fantasy into adulthood sometimes causes her to escape reality altogether.   When Louisa, a caregiver at the facility where Katy resides, decides there's more to Katy than meets the eye, she places herself in serious danger.  I couldn't put this book down until I finished it--the premise was that fascinating!  

 If you're looking for a book to read while curled up in a blanket with a cup of hot chocolate, or a glass of wine, this is the book!  Click on this link to read the synopsis and other reviews!  (" Look Inside " link only works when you go to the synopsis link above.)

EVA

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

WTF Wednesday

How fast the weeks fly by!  It's What the F*ck Wednesday again, in the blink of an eye!  That's the day when I share with you those news items that cause me to scratch my head and ask myself, "What the f*ck???

I know I've missed a few Wednesdays, but here's hoping I can get back on schedule!

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Relief from the Government Shutdown!

A sex toy company called Vibrators.com is offering government employees relief from the stress of being out of work in the form of a free pink vibrator.  The thinking behind this is that these "furloughed" workers have time on their hands....let's put a vibrator in their hands and give them something fun to do!  Over 600 vibrators have already been mailed out, and the company is prepared to continue the free mailings as long as the shut down is in effect.  They do not verify whether recipients are indeed government employees, as that would go against the companies privacy regulations, but they warn that "karma may get you" if you submit a fraudulent request.

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Who "dung" it?

Yale University officials and students are trying to find the  who is soiling people's laundry by putting human excrement in the dryers in the laundry room at Saybrook College.  The Poopertrator has struck four different times, and the whole campus is determined to catch the stinker.

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McDonald's customer misses "happy ending"

When the clerk at the McDonald's drive-thru in Wildwood, FL, turned to hand the 69-year-old man his change, she saw that he was nude from the waist down and was masturbating.  When he tried to pull her hand into his car, she yanked it away, closed the drive-thru window and dialed 911.  The perv was apprehended a short time later at a gas station, where he had draped a shirt over his lap.

I don't think that's what McD's had in mind when they advertised "special sauce" on their Big Macs!

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Mail Slot "special delivery"

A 50-year-old woman in Sweden who suspected a man had been following her, quickly entered her home and locked the door behind her.  A few seconds later, she heard a noise at the door and returned to see the man had thrust his genitals through the mail slot in the door.  

After attempting a "special delivery" of his "package," he was later arrested for exposing himself to a woman  on the street the following day.  There was no mention whether his package was stamped, "Return to Sender."

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Enough WTF's for today!

EVA

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

It Never Rains But It Pours!

Mr. Eva is still at the hospital; possibly headed to the rehab facility Tuesday.

For any of you who used to read A Little This 'N That, my sister Jenny's blog:  She had a massive heart attack last Friday night and will be undergoing a procedure to determine where and how much blockage she has in her arteries Tuesday, Oct. 1st.  Hope you will remember her in your prayers.  She has 5 siblings, 7 children, and 20+ grandchildren who all love and need her.

EVA