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Saturday, November 30, 2013

Saturday Silliness

Colonoscopy 

I went into my proctologist's office
for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to
an examining room and told me to
get undressed and have a seat until
the doctor could see me .
She said that he would only be a
few minutes. 
 
After putting on the gown that she
gave me I sat down. While waiting
I observed that there were three
items on a stand next to the exam
table: 


A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer
 


When the doctor finally came in
I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little
confused.  his is my first exam ...
I know what the 
K-Y is for
And I know what the 
glove is for,
But can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that Doctor Paul became
noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door, flung the door
open and yelled to his nurse .. . .. . . .
Dang it Evelyn !!! 

I said a 
BUTT LIGHT "! 

 ...sort of like a Pabst smear! 
**********************

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles." 


*****************


*****************


Apple Inc. has developed a new high tech toilet. The details are not yet clear, but the company is torn between two names for the new device: Either the iPood, or the iPeed. 

*******************
Enough silliness for today!

EVA

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

A Thanksgiving Ditty



‘Twas the night before Turkey Day, and in every cranny and nook
Could be found something delicious prepared by the cook!
Every counter and surface held precious goodies placed there:
Chocolate chip cookies and fudge, pies of apple and pear!

A huge turkey was baking in the oven on low,
Stuffing and squash in the fridge, all set to go.
Potatoes were peeled in a pot left to soak,
A feast in the making; this was no joke!

Mamma in her nightie had crawled into bed,
With visions of disaster spinning round in her head.
Would the stuffing be dry? Be the bird under done?
Worries besieged her until way after One.

Sleep finally kicked in around quarter to Two,
And she and Pa snored, which was nothing new!
Mamma awakened at half past three—
Never could sleep all night without having to pee!

She climbed back in bed and went right back to sleep.
The morning sun soon started to creep
Through the crack in the curtains to shine in her eyes,
Giving her clue it was time to arise.

The family was coming, time to prepare:
Place a cloth on the table, and dust off each chair.
No time for breakfast, too much to do—
Pa had to go out for a doughnut or two!

The table was set with plates, forks and knives;
Wine opened to breathe ‘til the family arrives.
The patter of feet, a knock on the door,
And in come the grand-kids that Mama lives for!

The kitchen rings with laughs, hugs and kisses;
Ma and Pa load the table with sumptuous dishes.
Everything’s perfect; there was no need to worry,
Turkey is succulent, as is stuffing and cranberry!


Mashed potatoes and gravy, and yummy yeast rolls,
The table’s soon covered with near empty bowls.
The pies are a hit and so is the fudge,
We've eaten so much we can’t even budge!

We’re grateful for family, for grand-kids to love,
We've so many blessings from heaven above.
Another Thanksgiving with those we hold dear—
We pray we’ll all be here again for next year!


**************

Have  a wonderful day!

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Saturday Silliness



Little Tim was in the garden filling in a 
hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. 
 
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to,
he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?" 
 
"My goldfish died" replied the boy tearfully, 
without looking up. "I've just buried him." 
 
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awful
 big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" 
 
Tim patted down the last heap of earth, 
then replied, "That's because he's inside 
your dumb cat." 
 
*****************




A man suffered a serious heart attack while  shopping in a store.
The  store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the  floor.
The  paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had 

emergency open  heart bypass surgery.
He  awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care 

of nuns at  the Catholic  Hospital. A nun was seated next to 
his bed holding a  clipboard loaded  with several forms, and 
a pen. She asked him how he was going  to pay  for his treatment.
"Do  you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in  a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked,  "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No  money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could  help you with 

the payments?" asked the irritated  nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, 

and  she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced  loudly,

"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to  God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill  to my brother-in-law."


***********************************



MY PRIVATE PART DIED
 
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
 
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
 
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my sincere condolences.'
 
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
 
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
 
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
 
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
 
(You're gonna love this.)..
 
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

***********************


               
A guy and a girl meet at a bar They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.  A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:  You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.  After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."  The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:  "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....

I didn't feel a thing."

*********************** 

EVA

Friday, November 22, 2013

The Mother of All Meltdowns

By A Bunch of Red Hot Mamas Losing Their Cool

This book should be required reading by all teenage girls as a back-up birth control device!  To the uninitiated, the stories recounted by those 'red hot mammas"  will instill shivers and stifle their desire to have sex and risk the realities of premature pregnancy!

For those among us who've"'been there, done that," this is a read filled with chuckles and familiar frailties!  This group of blogger Moms have compiled a series of their worst mommy moments with candor and humor.  As the mother of 3 adult boys, I saw myself in many of the scenarios and giggled at the memories.  I don't believe any woman survives motherhood without "losing it" at least once.  It's a comfort to know that others have been there and survived, as did their children!

From having a toddler lose a wedding ring down the toilet, to powdered sugar fights, to vacation disasters, each writer has described in detail their best and worst moments of motherhood.  No matter what your age, if you have raised children, you will find these ladies endearing in their honesty, and valiant in their vulnerability.   You will nod your head and smile when you're not choking with laughter! 
  

I received a free copy of the book in exchange for this review, but my review is genuine and truthful.

EVA

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

WTF Wednesday

How fast the weeks fly by!  It's What the F*ck Wednesday again, in the blink of an eye!  That's the day when I share with you those news items that cause me to scratch my head and ask myself, "What the f*ck???



Note To Mechanic

An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for
clunking sound when going around corners."

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a
moment later he heard a 'clunk'.

He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk'.

Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon
discovered the problem.

Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager
with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk".


Duh?

******************************

Cash Machine - Kentucky

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from
the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front
panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared,
they left the scene and drove home.

With the chain still attached to the machine.
With their bumper still attached to the chain.
With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. 


Gee, I wonder how the cops caught them?


*****************************

Not Me!

The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that
a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said
he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into
a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for
breaking into the school.


Guess he didn't really think that alibi through.


****************************
Today's head-scratching items came from digital dream door.



EVA

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Sunny Sunday

Today is the last day of the "Welcome to Singles Night" promotion!   So far, 125 readers have downloaded their free copy!  Got yours?  No?   What are you waiting for?   You don't even need to have a Kindle, because you can download a free Kindle app from Amazon!

With 125 downloads, I really hope some of you will post reviews on Amazon, because, as I said before, they help my sales.  Also, if you enjoy the book, I hope you will urge your friends to buy it!  


Thanks in advance to those among you who post reviews....you are much appreciated!

EVA

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Saturday Silliness

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles


It was dinner time on a British Airways flight from London to New York. As the 
flight attendant moved down the plane, she asked one of the passengers: "Would 
you like dinner?" 
 
"What are my choices?" asked the passenger.   
 
"Yes or No," replied the attendant 

**************************
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train”. “Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.”
“No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss”.
“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.
“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
“Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any longer.
(from Carol Wyer, via fishducky)

***************************


*Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Hans is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.  

One day, they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said: 
DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, 

"Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!" 
 
From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
 
Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'.
"Yaa," Pastor Hans agrees; then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, Bridge Out?"

************************ 

Don't forget my book promotion!   You just have today and tomorrow left to download your free copy of

 Welcome to Singles Night!  Click on the title, or miss out!

EVA

Friday, November 15, 2013

Flaunting Fiction Friday

WELCOME TO SINGLES NIGHT

Below is an excerpt from my Kindle book, "Welcome to Singles Night."  

Chapter 2 
                 "Listen, a gang of us are going to HoJo's after the dance for breakfast. Are you in?"
          "Sure, why not?" Sandy responded.  She didn't really care one way or the other, but since she had ridden to Country Connections with Ginger, she felt obligated to go, or Ginny would have to drive out of her way to drop Sandy off at her apartment first.
          The band was starting up again, and within a few minutes, Mark was back asking if she wanted to dance again.  She nodded agreement; the chances of being heard over the music were pretty slim.  They moved out among the other dancers, and this time she felt a little more comfortable.  Maybe it was the beer, or maybe it was Mark, but she actually was having a good time.  They danced several times, and chatted some during the band's next break.  She learned he was divorced, an accountant, and the non-custodial father of a 14-year-old girl named Mandy.
           Sandy had another beer while they were chatting, and when the music started up again, she finished her drink and followed Mark back out onto the dance floor.  She was feeling more relaxed and comfortable, mostly because she was really enjoying dancing. The effects of the beer were minimal, because she was eating cheese and crackers, dancing, and perspiring in the summer evening's warmth.
         When the band played its final number, Mark did what most men do:  he offered to drive a drunken lady home. She was normally silly and giggly when sober, so he was assuming she was quite inebriated at this point, when she was barely buzzed.  On impulse, she agreed and whispered to Ginger that she would see her at HoJo's.  Ginny had already invited three people along with her, so she had no problem with Sandy making other arrangements.
           Mark walked her to his car, and opened the door on the passenger side for her.  Once he was seated behind the wheel and had started the engine, they left the parking lot and pulled out onto the highway.  Country C0nnections was not yet out of sight when he turned to her and with amazing originality said, "Your place or mine?"
         "How about Howard Johnson's" she countered. He was not delighted, but to HoJo's they went.  Over English muffins and steaming cups of coffee, he tried the intellectual approach.
         "One hundred years from now, what's it going to matter if you and I went to bed tonight?"  He removed his glasses--apparently, Mark was in the habit of removing his glasses when making a pitch.
          "You may be right, Mark,”  Sandy said.  “One hundred years from now, probably no one will care.  But I care, now, tonight, and I am saying, no, I don't want to sleep with you."  With a man like Mark, who was quick to get right to the point, there was no sense beating around the bush.
           "But, I'll tell you: It would be over in seconds the first time," Mark went on. "I'd spend the next 20 minutes apologizing, and then. . ."
            "No way, Mark."
             He paid the check, left a tip for the waitress, and they went outside.  Again, he opened the passenger door for her, walked around the vehicle, and climbed in on the driver's side behind the wheel.  Mark was not to be easily discouraged.  He started the engine, then turned and grabbed her. He planted a kiss on Sandy that so caught her by surprise that his tongue was getting acquainted with her tonsils before she knew what hit her.  Then he released her, expertly backed the car out of the parking space and drove out onto the avenue, while she sat there with her mouth hanging open like an idiot.
         "Where do you live," he asked, as if what had just happened was not at all out of the ordinary, and perhaps it wasn't, for him.  It was for her, however.  She had not been 'soul kissed' to that extent in some time--perhaps years!--and it was NOT unpleasant.
            Sandy gave him directions to Pinewoods, the new apartment complex where she lived, and he immediately knew where they were going.  On the way, he pulled the car into the parking lot of the Wise Potato Chip factory, and took her in his arms.  Once again, he kissed her breathless, then without a word, drove back out to the street in the direction of Pinewoods.  When they arrived at the complex, he parked the car outside her apartment and embraced her again.  It had been a long, lonely summer for Sandy, and a lonely year before that.  Even though she was not that attracted to Mark, she did enjoy his attention.  He was not insistent; when she resisted his attempts at groping, he did not push.
        "How about inviting me in for a couple of minutes," he asked when his tongue wasn't trying to follow the shortest internal path to her navel.
        "No way," she responded when she could speak again.  By this time, he was breathing heavily, and she found it necessary to suppress a giggle.  It seemed so ridiculous the he should be sexually aroused when she was totally unmoved.  After a few more attempts to gain entry to her apartment, and thereby her thighs, he gave up with a sigh and said goodnight.  All in all, he was a pretty good sport.  Some men might not have accepted defeat as good-naturedly.
             In retrospect, she felt a little strange.  Seldom before had she been kissed so passionately; yet it was as if she was standing back and watching it all happen to someone else.  His kisses had no effect on her.  She enjoyed them, as she might enjoy having someone shampoo her hair.  It was a passive experience.  Sandy concluded that his defeat had less to do with lack of prowess on his part than to a lack of readiness on her part. She had heard the term reading readiness--maybe she lacked ‘bedding readiness!’
              As she climbed into her bed alone that night, Sandy reviewed the evening's events in her mind.  She had taken some big steps:  she had stepped out of her comfort zone and actually attended a mixed social activity; she had danced with a man and let him drive her home, trusting her instincts that she would be safe; and, she had experienced her first kiss in years and enjoyed it.  Maybe there was life after divorce after all!
*******************************************************

Beginning today, November 15th, through Sunday, November 17th, you can download this book to your Kindle or your Kindle app. for free!  If you enjoy the book (and even if you don't) please write a review at Amazon -- this helps my sales.   Also, if you enjoy the book, I hope you'll encourage your friends to buy it!

click here to go to Amazon and download Welcome to Singles Night!

EVA

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

WTF---This is Wednesday??

With the holiday on Monday, I was totally convinced today was Tuesday....so, no WTF this week!  DUH!

Come back on Friday when I'll be offering free Kindle copies of my book Welcome to Singles Night!

EVA

Monday, November 11, 2013

Veterans Day

A Salute to all Veterans and to all currently serving their country.  A huge thank you to each and every one for your service!

EVA

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Silent Sunday

Sisters, ready for church....ages 12 and 16.

Now I'm 69 and Jenny is 73!

EVA

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Saturday Silliness



The Blonde Mortician

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blond mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blond mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
 

To her astonishment, the blond mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blond says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

*****************


************************
Adam and Eve

One day while walking through the Garden of Eden, Adam looked up to the Heavens and spoke to God. "Father this place is great, but there is one thing missing".

"What is that my son", God answered.

"Well it would be nice to have a mate, I'm awfully lonely down here and all the other animal have mates but me. All I'm asking for is a creature more beautiful than the Garden, one who has a sex drive like mine, never has a headache and one who will cook, clean and be at my beckon call morning, noon and night." said Adam.

"Wow that's a tall order, but I have just such a creature in mind, but it's going to cost you". said God.

"Oh yeah, how much?" said Adam

"An arm and a leg." replied God.

Adam thought this over for quite some time and then asked "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

(courtesy of fishducky)
********************************

**************************

EVA

Friday, November 8, 2013

Flaunting Fiction Friday

Driving Mr. Eva to his various therapy appointments and doctor's appointments has given me some reading time as I sit in various waiting rooms.  I have to tell you about 2 great books I read over the last couple of weeks.  
The first is Patterson's View by Cliff Cardin.  This was a real page turner!  It starts off with a female real estate agent receiving a telephone call warning her to beware of a man with gray hair and rimless glasses wearing a black leather jacket.  The caller says he is a psychic and has seen her and this man in a vision, and that if she sees the man, she should run.  At first she laughs it off, but at the end of the day, as she's leaving her office, the very man described in the phone call meets her at her door, asking her to show him a property in which he is interested!   She would love to make a sale, but the fact that this guy resembles the description the "psychic" gave her is unsettling.
 
What follows is a chilling, thrilling roller coaster ride for the reader.  Danger, murder, deception--all kinds of delicious suspenseful occurrences--kept me enthralled to the end!  I recommend it to anyone who likes a good murder mystery!

I enjoyed Patterson's View so much that I immediately bought "Diggin' Out a Thorne", also by Cliff Cardin.
This novel begins with U.S. Marshals walking into a Federal judge's office and informing her that the Russian Mafia member whom she just sentenced to prison wants her and her son dead, and she and her son are to be put into the witness protection program immediately; this means leaving everything behind, including their identity, and started new lives elsewhere.  The judge refuses, at first, until she is made to understand that her only son, the 17-year-old quarterback of the local high school football team is in danger also.

Once again, I was unable to put the book down.  The move from Los Angeles to Kentucky is a culture shock to mother and son, and the seriousness of the danger following them becomes clear when one of the U.S. Marshals who helped them escape is found with a bullet in his head--a mob style execution.  The chase is on, and again, murder and mayhem ensue, making for an exciting, suspenseful read!  I recommend this novel also, if you want to be grabbed by an irresistible plot and believable characters.  Click on the highlighted title of either or both books to get more information!

****************
(I was not compensated for the above reviews, and I even purchased the books myself!)

EVA

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

WTF Wednesday

How fast the weeks fly by!  It's What the F*ck Wednesday again, in the blink of an eye!  That's the day when I share with you those news items that cause me to scratch my head and ask myself, "What the f*ck???



Spelling Errors and Wrong Notes - San Francisco

A man walked into the downtown Bank of America and on the back of
a deposit slip wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, the man
began to worry that someone may have seen him write the note and
might call the police before he could reach the teller.

So, the criminal left the Bank of America and walked across to the
street to Wells Fargo. After waiting in line for several minutes there,
he handed his note to a teller. After reading it, the teller determined
that this robber was perhaps a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

She told him that because his note was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip, she could not honor his demand. He would either have to
fill out a Wells Fargo withdrawal slip or go back to the Bank of America.

Feeling defeated, the man said he understood and left. The Wells Fargo
teller promptly called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes
later--still waiting in line at the Bank of America.

*****************

The Perfect Scam - Australia

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people will present
these checks to their banks. The name of the company:
"The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."

***************************
Don't Defend Yourself - Oklahoma City

Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store
in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district
attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending
himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber.

Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said,
"I should of blown your [expletive] head off!"
The defendant paused, then quickly
added, "- if I'd been the one that was there."

The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.

*****************

This Smells Odd

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he
bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an
ill man curled up next to a motor home trying to steal
gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
declined to press charges, saying that it was the best
laugh he'd ever had.


******************************

Enough head scratching for today!  (the above scratchings came from digitaldreamdoor.com)\

EVA

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Congratulations Boston Red Sox!


The photo says it all!  (courtesty of the NY Times)

EVA