Sunday, August 24, 2014

Weekend Silliness

    A  girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and  have dinner with her parents.
Since  this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend  that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for  the first time.

The  boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes  a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.He tells the  pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the  boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to  know about condoms and sex.

At the register,  the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy,  a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The  boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be  rather busy, it being his first time and  all.

That  night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets  his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for  you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The  boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the  girl's parents are seated.The boy quickly offers to say grace  and bows his head.A minute passes, and the boy is still deep  in prayer,with his head down.

10 minutes pass,  and still no movement from the  boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the  girlfriend leans over and whispers to the  boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this  religious."

The  boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your  father was THE pharmacist."
     (Thank you, BJF!)


A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.  She picks up; the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice,
"Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really?   That's wonderful.   I'm so happy for you.   That sounds terrific.   Great!   Thanks.   Okay.   Bye-bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh,” she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

(thanks, fishducky!)


We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance.

At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"

There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally." 

(thanks again, fishducky!)

Several men are in the locker room at a golf cliub.  A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

 WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.  It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

   MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
   WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.  
 saw one I really liked."
   MAN: "How much?"

    WOMAN: "$90,000." 
   MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

  WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.   They're asking $980,000 for it."
  MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
  WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
   MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

(Thanks, N.P.)

Hope you're having a great weekend!


Friday, August 22, 2014

Reflections on Turning 70.

Wednesday, the 20th, was my 70th birthday.

I'm not saying that in an effort to get presents (Note:  I won't turn any down!), but because I'm still in a state of denial.  There is no way I am this close to having inhabited this earth for a quarter of a century !  Seven decades seems like a very long time--just 10 years short of "four score"  ala Gettysburg Address.

Oh, I'm not complaining--I'd much prefer to be here than not!  Why?

 Well, there are advantages to turning 70:

I no longer have to go to work every day.

 I have now officially earned the right to scrape by on Social Security and my paltry pension.

I no longer have to provide official certification that I am eligible for "senior citizen discounts;" my wrinkles, white hair, and creaky knees are right out there for all to see!

I still get invitations to join AARP; although you have to be 50 before you receive your first solicitation, apparently there's no cutoff point, and I will continue to receive those enticing invitations to buy "final expense insurance" until I no longer need it!

Looking on the brighter side:

I am now old enough to say and do whatever  my mood dictates!

I now can join in on senior games!

Menopause is a distant, dim memory--as are most things!

Every day is "Casual Friday!"

And now I have time to do the things I really writing.    If you enjoyed this post, you may want to check out the first book I published:

So much for my 70th birthday!


Saturday, August 16, 2014

Weekend Silliness

 High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill
Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry
(Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other. The teacher assigned to the boys, Michelle, was waiting outside
the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of
them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, Michelle went inside, helped the boys with their
pants, and began hoisting the little boys up, one by one, holding on
to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race,
but I appreciate your help.

Thanks to J.W.

Communication is Key!

An elderly couple had been going out with each other for a long time.  Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.  They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.  "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

(Thanks to fishducky!)


 Retirement Options

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?


 You can retire to California where...

1.  You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.


 You can retire to New York City where...

 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


 You can retire to Minnesota where...

 1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup ...
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6.The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!


 You can retire to The Deep South where...

 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean,Mary Beth, etc.
5.Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".


 You can retire to Colorado where...
 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.


 You can retire to the Nebraska where...

 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.


 FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...

 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

(thanks to J.W.)


Have a great weekend!