Saturday, August 9, 2014

Weekend Silliness

Annual Checkup

After his exam the doctor told the elderly man, "You appear to be in good
health.  Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man.  "After I have sex with my wife, I am
usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second
time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything
appears to be fine.  Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?"
She replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her, "Your husband had an unusual concern.  He
claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the
first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time.  Do you know
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied.  "That's because the first time is
usually in January and the second time is in August."

(thank you, fishducky!)

Island Retirement

            One day a man decided to retire.

 He booked himself on a  Caribbean 
cruise and proceeded to have the 
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. 

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. 
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. 
In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you 
come from? How did you get here?" 

She replies,
 "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." 

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to 
have a row boat wash up with you." 

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made 
the boat out of some raw material I found 
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a 
Eucalyptus tree." 

"But, where did you get the tools?" 
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. 
"On the south side of the island, a very 
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. 
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to 
make the hardware." 

The guy is stunned. 
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon 
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man 
looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. 
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a 
cabin and tree house. 

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down." 
"Would you like a drink?" 
"No! No thank you," 
the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." 

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. 
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" 

Trying to hide his continued amazement, 
the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, 
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." 

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" 
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing 
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down 
next to her. 

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. 
You must have been lonely. When was the 
last time you played around?She stares into his eyes. 

He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, 

"You've built a Golf Course too?"

Thank you, J.W.


Peeing On The Flowers
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic

 garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in

while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills

falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if

I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. “Where did you get all that money?

You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no," said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to

a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence,

 right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers,

you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my 

pruning shears. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence,

surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or
off it comes.' "
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

Thank you C.W.

Have a great weekend everyone!



fishducky said...

LOVED the last joke!!

Stephen Hayes said...

Can't wait to share that last one with my Mother. She'll love it.

River said...

A golf course!! I'd say he's definitely had too much coconut juice!

Ha Ha @ not everybody pays!

Merlesworld said...

We were very amused , cheered up my day.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
.........not sure whether to laugh or cry today!!! YAM xx

Brian Miller said...

heh. golf course, indeed.
he must be kin to the man in the first one tha only gets it twice a tend to forget what it is at that pace...smiles.

The Dose of Reality said...

I am crying with laughter!! I honestly don't know which one is my favorite!! SO FUNNY!-Ashley

Susan Anderson said...


I've missed your brand of silliness!