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Saturday, June 28, 2014

Weekend Silliness



The Zipper

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was
wearing a tight leather skirt.  As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get
on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come
up to the height of the first step of the bus.  
 
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile 
to the bus driver, she reached behind her 
to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step, only to 
discover she still couldn't.  A little more 
embarrassed, she once again reached behind 
her back to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, 
and once again, much to her chagrin, she 
could not raise her leg.  With a little smile 
to the driver, she again reached behind to 
unzip a little more, and was unable to make
 the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was 
standing behind her picked her up easily 
by the waist and placed her gently on the 
top step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be 
Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!  
I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, 
normally I  would agree with 
you, but after you unzipped my fly 
three times, I kinda' figured
we was friends." 
  

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The First Apple
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car
Both of their cars were demolished but amazingly neither of them
was hurt.   
 After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow 
 just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. 
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren't you having any?”
She replies, “Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police.”

Adam ate the first apple, too!
Men will never learn!!
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Prognosis:
  The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
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THE RESEARCH TELLS IT ALL!

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why some women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
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Expectation
A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?"
" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. " 
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" 
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
 The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? " 
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
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Have a great weekend, and stop by Eddy Bluelights blog for a few more chuckles!
EVA

Monday, June 23, 2014

Elephants, anyone?

Today I was asked to babysit two of my grandsons--well, not really BABY-sit;  Austin is 12 and Carter is 7.  Mr. Eva and I tried to come up with something different to do with them and we decided to take them to visit the Hope Elephants.

You're probably thinking, "Elephants in Maine?  Is there a circus in town?"  But no, there was no circus.  A veterinarian,  Dr.  Jim Laurita, who has years of experience working with elephants, has acquired two retired circus elephants, Rosie and Opal, and has taken on the task of nursing them to better health and educating the public about elephants, an endangered species.

.
The boys enjoyed watching the elephants and learning about them through the presentation that the facility provides.

They eat watermelon, hay, carrots, sticks, (yes sticks) and various fruits and veggies.  In the picute above, Opal is using her trunk to dig carrots out of a rubber ball with trunk-sized holes in it; so she exercises her trunk and gets to eat as a result.


That's Jim Laurita applying sun screen to Rosie's face and ears!  Believe it or not, these Asian elephants who weigh in at 8,000 pounds each, aren't sun worshippers.  In fact, they are more comfortable when the temperature  is in the 50's!  They even like the snow. ( Remember, Hannibal climbed the snow-covered Himalayas with his elephants.)




There's nothing like watching a couple of 8,000 lb. elephants to keep me motivated in my quest for weight loss, especially since we have more than just weight in common--they take Glucosomine for arthritis, just like I do!

(I've now lost 47 lbs. and swam 18 laps [that's from one end of the above pool to the other and back!] on Saturday.)


For more info about the Hope Elephants, where to visit them, and how to donate to the cause, click on this link:

Hope Elephants


If you live in Maine or are visiting Maine this summer, I recommend a trip to Hope!


EVA

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Weekend Silliness





The  Picnic    A Jewish  Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's  annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they  began their usual banter. 
"This baked ham is  really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi.  "You really ought to try it. I know it's against  your religion, but I can't understand why such a  wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't  know what you're missing. You just haven't lived  until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia  Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to  break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at  the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your  wedding."
 
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The  Usher    An  elderly woman walked into the local country  church. The friendly usher greeted her at the  door and helped her up the flight of steps.  
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked  politely. 
"The front row, please," she  answered. 
"You really don't want to do  that," the usher said. "The pastor is really  boring." 
"Do you happen to know who I am?"  the woman inquired. 
"No," he said. 
"I'm  the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.  
"Do you know who I am?" he asked. 
"No,"  she said. 
"Good," he answered.
   
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  Show  and Tell    A  kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and  tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to  bring in an object that represented their  religion to share with the class. 
The first  student got up in front of the class and said,  "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is  a Star of David." 
The second student got up  in front of the class and said, "My name is  Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."  
The third student got in up front of the  class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am  Methodist, and this is a casserole."

    
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  The  Best Way To Pray    A  priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the  best positions for prayer, while a telephone  repairman worked nearby 
"Kneeling is  definitely the best way to pray," the priest  said. 
"No," said the minister. "I get the  best results standing with my hands outstretched  to Heaven." 
"You're both wrong," the guru  said. "The most effective prayer position is  lying down on the floor." 
The repairman  could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas,"  he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was  when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone  pole."
  
    
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Have a great weekend!

EVA

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Random Rambling


Over the weekend, my grandson Austin's team won first place in a major soccer tournament.  They played 7 games and only one team scored against them....In the final game, they won 2 to 1.  What an amazing group of kids!




Above is a photo of the gang I hang out with on Tuesday  and Thursday mornings in the Silver Sneakers class.  (Referred to earlier in this blog as the Chamber of Horrors.)





On the bright side, between Silver Sneakers, swimming, and watching what I eat, I've now lost 45 pounds and no longer have to take blood pressure medication!  Needless to say, I'm very happy about that!  My doctor was amazed at my appointment last week by the progress I have made on my own.  (To tell you the truth, I'm amazed as well!  I can't believe I've come this far.)





Ever since my husband had knee surgery, he has had difficulty getting in and out of our Chevy Impala.  He is over 6 feet tall, and the car sits rather low to the ground.  So this week we broke down and traded the Impala for the Chevy Equinox above.  Now he gets in and out of the vehicle with ease!  A big thank you to "Captain Hook" at Galos Chevrolet in Saco for his 

 Hope you are all having a great week!

EVA

Friday, June 13, 2014

Weekend Silliness

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E , F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out What the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! 

{
A} Almost Boobs. 
{B} Barely there

{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake
.{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen And I can't get up!



(Thanks to River for this one!)

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Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. 

The frog hopped into the princesses lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." 

That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.



(that was from fishducky!  Thanks, Fran!)


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COLLECTED WISDOM
·                I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
·                I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
·                You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
·                Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
·                You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
·                I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" get's thrown around in the courtroom.
·                I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row,
·                I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.  I feel so much better saying I went to the jim this morning.
·                Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers, if you find one, what's your plan?

(thanks to my friend B.J. for that one!)


EVA

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Life is Good!

It occurs to me that I'm pretty fortunate; I have a great family, adorable grandchildren, and the most supportive husband around!  He's been my biggest cheerleader on my quest to get healthy.  Now that I've lost 44 pounds (with many, many more to go!), he's quick with compliments on the changes he sees in me...that is, he's happy to be seeing less of me!  (Wait...that doesn't sound right!)  Life sure is good.


Did anyone catch the Steve Harvey show with the lobster roll competition?  He featured two Maine eateries vying for the best lobster roll: J's Oyster in Portland and The Clam Shack in Kennebunkport.  The Clam Shack in Kennebunkport was declared the winner by his audience after a taste test.

 Hubby and I decided to take a ride to Kennebunk to taste  the winner for ourselves.  I have to say, it was to DIE for!  As seen in the photo above, it was pure lobster meat...I swear, it had to be the meat of one complete lobster...the tail, the claws, all of it!  Served on a toasted bun, you have a choice of mayo or melted butter with it.  This wasn't lobster salad.  It was pure lobster meat with a little mayonnaise on the bun if that was your choice, or melted butter drizzled over it, which was my choice.  It cost $17.50, which was a little more than I expected, but worth it!



My 12 year-old, 5th grade grandson, Austin, competed in the state track meet a couple of weeks ago.  There were at least 10 middle schools participating--6th, 7th, and 8th graders.  He finished first in his heat, and came in 6th in the state running the hurdles!  Austin on the right in the red and gray shirt and red shorts.


I'm glad that I've been able to drop the pounds I have, because it has made it much more fun for me to attend my grandson's sporting events.  I used to get out of breath walking even short distances; now, I have no problem!   Yes, life is good!

EVA

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Weekend Silliness



(That one was from Fishducky!)


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BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

--


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A gentleman couldn't find his luggage at the airport
baggage area and went to the lost luggage office 
and reported the loss. 
 
 
The woman there smiled and told him not to worry 
because she was a trained professional and said he 
was in good hands. 

"Now,"she asked,"Has your plane arrived yet?"

**************************





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TEN (10)  THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU

1) You are  reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't  say the letter ''P'' without  separating your lips.

4) You just  attempted  to do it.

6) You are  laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your  face and  you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked  to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You  laugh at this because you are a fun loving person &  everyone  does it too.

10) You are  probably going to send this to others to see who else falls  for it.
I shared it with you because I didn't want to be  alone in the idiot category.

Have a  great Day.  Laugh, and then Laugh and  sing It's a  Beautiful Morning even when it's not.

"Do not regret growing older.  It is a privilege  denied to many."
 


EVA

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Time for a Nooner!





(Since history has a tendency to repeat itself, I'm repeating this post from a few years ago!)

I'm going to get right to the point here; I slept with my husband in the middle of the afternoon yesterday! It's shameful behavior for a 69-year-old woman and a 74-year-old man, I know, but we just couldn't help ourselves. Maybe I need to explain, so you won't be so shocked and appalled.

It started out just like any other Thursday. We woke up, showered, and ate breakfast. Are you following me, here? Okay, I went to my office and spent some time on my laptop, and hubby watched a little television, and then the trouble began: We went back to the Chamber of Horrors. (If you aren't familiar with the Chamber and the goddess of torture and her pain paraphernalia, you may want to go back and read : http://wrestlingretirement.blogspot.com/2009/08/welcome-to-torture-chamber.html before continuing. It's okay, I'll wait for you.

Are you back now? Good. Well we did our tour in the Chamber, and it was pretty much as I described in that earlier post, except the goddess was just back from a week of vacation, so she was even more perky and chipper than usual. (translate: she had new and more nefarious contortions and movements to put us through!) Even more of the "Step 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1" than before with an added twist of having us perform opposite arm and leg movements, until our eyes were crossed from the sheer effort of trying to remember to raise the right arm while kicking out with the left foot--well, you get the idea!

When the maniacal maneuvers mercifully came to an end, we dragged our panting, perspiring , pitiful piles of pain once known as our bodies home. We read the mail; I made us sandwiches for lunch, which we devoured ravenously.

Having finished lunch we moved into the living room, each settled into our individual recliners in front of the television, and immediately fell into a deep snooze.

 And that, my fellow bloggers, is how I happened to sleep with my husband in the middle of the afternoon!

WHAAAT?

You were expecting porn?

 At our age, nooner takes on a whole new meaning!


EVA

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The Journey Continues

If you've been following my posts recently, then you know I'm working on getting healthy.

Sunday was not a good day; I consumed 750 calories more than my goal!  I didn't mean to--we had dinner at the Texas Roadhouse and I ordered the beef kabob with veggies.  Had I stopped there, I would have been fine; according to myfitnespal.com, that entree contained 192 calories...great!  But I weakened and had a roll with cinnamon butter (227 calories!) plus a sweet potato and salad.  The salad included egg, cheese and croutons, so all together, I totally blew my days' calorie allotment.  I knew I would be over, but I didn't know it would be THAT BAD!

I stayed far away from the scale Monday.  No way was I going to read that disaster.  I decided I'd better compensate in some way, so I went to the gym where there's an outdoor, heated pool.  I swam laps non-stop for 45 minutes.  I also made sure to stay under my calorie goal for the day.  (Love that myfitnesspal.com website!  It's a real eye-opener.)

Today I went back to the gym for the Silver Sneakers class (referred to earlier as The Chamber of Horrors)
and did the full hour of cardio and strength-training.  I also managed to stay under my calorie goal for the day by 100 calories, without counting the calories burned through exercise.


I feel like I'm back on track now.    That's me above, typing this blog post (except that i don't smoke and I don't drink coffee.)



EVA