Sunday, September 28, 2014

Weekend Wackiness

Juvenile Delinquents?

A policeman brought four boys before a judge. 

"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.

"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. 

Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."

"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy. 


Motorcycle Mishap

Two guys were driving down the road on a motorcycle.  The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.
Finally, he stopped the bike and told his passenger, "I can't drive any more with the air hitting me in the chest."

After a bit of thinking, he decided to put the jacket on backwards to block the air from hitting him.  They continued on down the road, came around a curve, lost control, and crashed.  

A farmer who lived nearby called the police and told them what happened.

The police asked, "Is either one of them showing any signs of life?"

The farmer answered, "Well that first one was until I turned his head around the right way."


Thanks, fishducky for those first two!


Bad Idea!

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower. " What do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I must have married you for your money," his wife answered.


The Joke's on Us!

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world. . . . .

. . . . .then He made the earth round and He just laughed and laughed and laughed.....


Thank you J.W. for the last two!


Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend!


Friday, September 26, 2014

If My Body Were A Car...

If my body were a car, this is the time I'd be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull.

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.  I slip and slide and bump into things, even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed, and my fuel burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it:

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,

Either my radiator leaks, or my exhaust backfires!


Thank you to J. W.



Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Three Boobs??

Jasmine Tridevil claims to have paid $20,000 to have a third breast suggically implanted between her two real ones.  Why?  She is done dating and wants to make herself unattractive to men, and also because she wants to have her own reality show on MTV.

Makes sense to me---men who drool over the cleavage of a two-titted temptress are bound to be turned off by a three-boobed babe!  Heaven knows back fat isn't a big hit with the guys, nor is a spare tire, nor love handles.

She says she had to call 50 or 60 plastic surgeons before she found one who was willing to "boost" her bust-line, and then only if he remained anonymous.  You'd think he'd want his name publicized so the hordes of hootchi mamas who desire a trio of 'tatas" would know who to call!

Snopes, that well-known debunker of urban legends did some research and found that a woman by the name of Alisha Jasmine Hester (whose facebook photos closely resemble Jasmine Tridevil] reported her luggage missing at the Tampa, Florida airport.  When it was found, a report of the contents listed among her personal belongings in the bag was a three-breasted prosthesis.  

Must be a coincidence, right?

Somehow, I doubt she'll be having a reality show any time soon.


Saturday, September 20, 2014

Weekend Wackiness!

Blonde Revenge

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to  the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it!


Thank you, N.P. 

Lost and Found

      A little old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, 

      Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Mam, the Crisco is 
 in aisle 3."  
      The woman replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm 
 calling my husband. He's in here somewhere." 
      The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?" 
      The woman answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're 
out in public!"
      "I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?
      "Lard ass." 

Thanks, J.B.

It's a Miracle!

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." 

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" 

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." 

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

Thanks, fishducky!

Have a great weekend, everyone!


Friday, September 19, 2014

My Son and His Soccer Team Are The Best!

My son Eric coaches a middle school soccer team.  Yesterday, they had a game with a team from another town.  (These teams are in a youth league and play various other middle school teams in central and southern Maine.)

The coach from the opposing team introduced himself to Eric and said he wanted to alert him and his team that there was a boy with Down Syndrome on the opposing team and asked them to be cautious a bit so as not to injure him.  Eric responded with, "How about if we let him score a goal?"

"Are you sure?" asked the opposing coach.

Well, they played the game, and sure enough, at one point the player in question headed toward the goal and scored!  His teammates carried him off the field in celebration!

After the game ended, the opposing coach came to Eric with tears in his eyes, shook his hand and thanked him.  Also, many of the opposing team members made of thanking Eric and his boys as well.
I was so impressed that Eric's team was willing to give the boy an opportunity to score! What a wonderful, caring gesture.  I'm proud of my son and the team for giving a disadvantaged peer a memory that will last him a lifetime.  I'm proud that Eric is instilling great character values in his players.


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I Medaled!

Today when I arrived at my Silver Sneakers exercise class, a group of my friends welcomed me with a gift!

Since my birthday was last month, and Christmas is still a couple of months away, I couldn't imagine what this could be about.  As I looked from Sylvia, to Tootsie, and the others with a questioning expression, they said, "It's for you.  Open it."

I removed the ribbon and this was what the box contained:

Two medals on ribbons!  It was their way of congratulating me for persevering and losing 62 pounds!   I thought that was the sweetest gesture ever!  

I feel lucky to have such caring friends who are supporting me and cheering me on!  I immediately put the "Way to Go" medal around my neck, and I plan to wear the "Great Job" medal to Thursday's class.  What great gals they are.   I love that I can call them my friends!


Monday, September 15, 2014

No More Pool Time!

Sadly, I'm afraid the time to swim in the outdoor pool at my gym is past.  When the air temperature drops below 67, my enthusiasm for jumping in follows.   I've heard the pool stayed open until Columbus Day last year, because we had a particularly warm fall.  Unless there's a major shift in the weather, I don't see that happening this year.  We've already had a few nights when the temp has dipped below 50; daytime temps are below 70; no more 'dips' for me!

This creates a dilemma; what to replace my swim time with in order to keep my weight going in the right direction?  Today I took a 20-minute walk; it's not the same. 

 It's a bigger effort that swimming for me.  Spending an hour swimming laps at the club pool is fun.

Walking is not.  Maybe it will grow on me?  Time will tell!  

If you  have suggestions, (other than find an indoor pool--most have a charge, and the chlorine is over-whelming), I'd love to hear them!


Sunday, September 14, 2014

Weekend Wackiness!

Head of the Class

A former marine sargeant after discharge from the military service,
took a new job as a school teacher.  Just before the school year started,
he injured his back and  was required to wear a plaster cast around the
upper part of his body.  Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't
noticeable.  On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest
students in the school.  The punks were leery of him and decided to see how
tough he really was before trying any pranks.   Walking confidently
into the rowdy classroom, teacher opened the window and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie
to his chest.

There was dead silence.  He had no trouble with discipline that year.

(Thanks to N.P. for this one and the one following!)


 Baptizing An Irishman

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. 
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

(get ready for this ... ). The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

The Sure Cure

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.  After
about four minutes in the examining room, she burst out screaming while running down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him her story.  After 
listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.  The older marcheded back down the hall to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you," the old doctor demanded.  "Mrs. Terry is 74 years old, has four grown children and 8 grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant??"

The young doctor continued writing and without looking up asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Thank you, fishducky!

Enjoy the day, everyone!


Saturday, September 13, 2014

If I'd only known.....

I had no idea that our skin loses its elasticity as we age.  Especially not to the degree that it's happening to me!

As you know, I've been making a life-style change since January of this year.  I've been exercising and eating healthier which has resulted in my shedding 62 pounds.  I decided to refer to it as "shedding" rather than losing weight, because losing implies that I am missing those pounds.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  I definitely don't miss them, and I will do my best to make sure I never encounter them again!

Though I personally don't miss the pounds, apparently my body does;  I'm sagging and bagging in places where I once was quite firm...that is firm and tight as a stuffed sausage!  Now, low and behold, I hesitate to extend my arms when I'm outside, for fear a strong breeze might turn me into a glider and I'll be soaring away into the sunset!

My thighs are loose and lumpy, and my tummy, once tumid, now is hanging over my Hoohah; and my boobs....oh my poor boobs!  Once bodacious orbs, they are now sagging to the point where I know what Joan Rivers was talking about when she said she could have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time!

I wish I had made this change years ago, when there was still a chance that everything would snap back into it's original position.  I guess at age 70, it's more important that I am becoming more agile, no longer have to take blood pressure medication, and gasping for breath is a thing of the past.

And let me just say, if you're young and overweight, take action to change your life now; don't wait,  It's your best chance to lose the flab without a lot of sag!


Friday, September 12, 2014

My book deserves another Look!

 Click on the "a"  on your left to get more info!

If you haven't read my book yet, I hope you will check it out.  I replaced the cover with something more suitable to the story.  

Above is the old cover...a photo of the place where much of the story happens... Country Connections....a Singles Club where the unattached search for that special someone.

I'm still working on my next book...The Truckdriver's Daughter, but  it's a long way from being finished.   Time to get back to work on it!

Thanks for dropping by.  Let me know what you think of the new cover!


Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Vacation Takes Its Toll!

Mr. Eva and I were invited to a wedding in Atlanta, GA.  Since we hadn't had any kind vacation in the last couple of years since his knee replacement surgery, we jumped on the chance of a road trip!

We left Maine on August 28th, and drove to Atlanta.  We shared the driving and kept the pace relaxed...stopping at hotels 2 nights on the way.  We spent 2 nights at the Hyatt Buckland Hotel in Atlanta, and then stopped two nights on the return trip.

We had a great time at the wedding and it was fun to catch up with Mr. E's family after a few years without seeing many of them.

That explains some of my absence from my blog, but not all....I just haven't been in the mood, and rather than bore you with half-hearted posts, I just haven't been writing.

I'm going to work on doing better at this; I know many of my followers are no longer visiting my blog, and who could blame them; I just haven't been giving them reason to drop by!

One thing you may remember, I am working on getting healthier.  This is a mission I started in January of this year.  I've been making better food choices and also have been exercising.  (Maybe that's what's left me with no energy to be creative here!)

My efforts have been rewarded:  I have now lost 62 pounds!  I'm not on a diet...I'm changing my life for the better!  During these summer months I've been swimming 22 laps in the Olympic-size pool at the local health club for an hour two to four times per week, plus participating in an exercise class two hours per week.  I cleaned everything out of my closet and drawers that no longer fits (a large garbage full!) and donated it to Goodwill.  

Thanks to those who have stayed with me; I plan to be more diligent in my blogging efforts going forward!